


Say Something Else

by vampireisthenewblack



Series: Say Something Else and Outtakes [1]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: All Human, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, M/M, SSE, Slash, Tragedy, twislash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-28
Updated: 2010-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-15 09:58:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireisthenewblack/pseuds/vampireisthenewblack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <img/>
</p><p>When he suffers the worst kind of heartbreak, Edward returns home, resigning himself to a lifetime of loneliness. But he had not counted on old friendships and old crushes. Edward is torn between old love and new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_The phone was ringing. I tried to fight the slumber that hung heavy over me, hoping Alec would answer it. I nudged toward him with my knee. It didn't connect. The phone was still ringing. I reached out with my arm. "Baby, the phone," I said thickly. My hand met cool sheets. He wasn't there._

 _The knowledge drew me a little more awake. It couldn't be very late if he wasn't home yet._

 _The phone was still ringing._

 _I groaned, shifting over to his side of the bed so I could reach the phone on his dresser. I fumbled with the handset in the dark, finally lifting it to my ear. "Mmm?" I answered sleepily, and as I did I noticed the display on his alarm clock._

 _5:22am_

 _Where was he?_

 _The voice on the other end of the phone was frantic, disjointed. "Jane? Slow down. I just woke up for god's sake."_

 _I finally understood what she was trying to tell me._

 _My whole world collapsed._

~oOo~

I slid my credit card over the counter towards the clerk and studied my fingernails as I waited for him to process my card. When he slid it back, I grabbed the cigarettes and the card in one hand and headed for the door, my eyes downcast. The last thing I expected was to crash headlong into someone coming in.

"Sorry," I mumbled, pushing past and out the door.

"Edward?" The deep but youthful voice came from behind me. "Edward Cullen?"

I lifted my eyes for the first time since I entered the store as I turned, and found myself looking into a pair of large dark eyes framed by long lashes. They seemed strangely familiar. I studied the rest of the man who stood before me. He was as tall as I was, and well built with dark russet skin that told me he was probably from the Quileute reservation on the coast. I'd spent some time out there before I left Forks for college and so I searched his face, hoping for recognition. "Bloody hell," I breathed when it hit me. "Seth Clearwater?"

He smiled broadly and nodded. He seemed overjoyed that I remembered him. I felt a little guilty that it had taken me so long to recognise him. "Seth, Jesus. Umm... you grew." Stupidest comment ever, but my brain didn't seem quite connected. I hadn't seen him since I had moved away from Forks, almost six years ago. He'd been a little kid then, still grieving his father's death. I cringed at the memory; overlaid by my own loss it was too much to deal with. "Sorry Seth, I have to..." I gestured towards the rental car parked only feet away.

"Sure, man. Hey it's good to see you again. Saw your dad the other day, he didn't mention you were visiting."

I gave him a tight forced smile and turned away. "They don't know I'm coming," I muttered.

I guided the steering wheel with one hand, tearing into the cigarette packet with my teeth as I drove away. By the time I lit my cigarette, I'd already forgotten about Seth Clearwater.

~oOo~

It would have been nice not to have to say anything when I got home, but I hadn't thought about what I _should_ say. It would have been nice just to be home and maybe finally get some sleep, to be able to forget for a time. But it wasn't likely. I hadn't called my family, I hadn't even emailed. They didn't know. I'd left my cellphone in our flat back in London because I'd stopped answering it anyway. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to go home and sleep.

The engine purred to a stop in the driveway. I lit another cigarette and tried not to think of the last time I was here, the last time  _we_  were here. It was Christmas. Alice and Jasper had been here; Emmett and Rose and the kids; Mom and Dad; and  _us_  and laughter and family and happiness.

It was never going to happen again.

All I'd brought with me was a battered gym bag. I flicked the butt out the window, grabbed the bag off the back seat and headed for the front door, dragging my feet.

I knocked before I turned the handle. It was unlocked and swung inwards silently as I stepped over the threshold and dumped my bag. There were sounds of chairs scraping across wooden floors and hurried voices coming from the kitchen but I couldn't find the energy to announce myself or even raise my eyes. I didn't want to have to tell them, Mom and Dad, what had happened. I just waited for them to find me.

But it wasn't Mom or Dad who found me first. I was suddenly hit, enveloped in the tiny arms of my sister. "Edward, I'm so sorry," she murmured against my chest and I cringed. Why did everyone keep apologising to me?

I looked down into her tear-streaked face. "Alice? What are you... how did you..?" I looked up to see my parents, grief on their faces, pity, tears streaming down my mother's cheeks. Jasper was there too, his expression one of deep concern.

Dad spoke first. "Jane called," he said, "I'm so sorry, son."

I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain, against the grief that threatened to break out of me, shattering me into a million pieces. I didn't open them, but clung to Alice as if my life depended on her, and accepted my mother's arms when they joined us.

"I'll call Jane, let her know that you're here. That you're safe." Dad murmured, and I heard his quiet footsteps leave the room. I think Jasper followed.

Mom pulled away, and I felt her warm hands on my forehead, pushing my hair back, stroking my head comfortingly. "We were so worried," she whispered. "You should have called us, we would have been there..."

Alice murmured her agreement, squeezing me tighter around the waist, and then she too pulled away. I opened my eyes as she took my face in her hands. "You're an idiot, Edward, you know that? Why didn't you call us? We would have wanted to be there. We could have been there for  _you_."

I nodded weakly in acknowledgement, knowing that she was right, but also knowing that it didn't change a thing. "Mom? I just wanna sleep," I said, speaking for the first time.

"Okay honey."

"Why don't you take Emmett's room?" Alice suggested, knowing me so well, knowing that I wouldn't want to be in the room I usually took, the room  _we_  had used, the bed where  _we_  had made love.

There was no 'we' anymore.

~oOo~

 _I kissed him, swallowing his gasps and moans as I drove him closer and closer toward his release. He began to whimper, his legs tightening around my waist, his body tensing around me, and I pulled back to look into his eyes, wide and fevered, and whispered: "Come for me, baby," and he did, exploding onto our stomachs, clenching around my cock and crying my name. I thrust into him, once, twice more and then I followed, filling him with my passion. "I love you, Alec," I breathed into his ear._

I still reached out when I woke. It was too soon, too recent, and I could smell him, I could feel him lying next to me. But he wasn't there, and the realisation jolted me fully awake. I was hard, because I'd been dreaming about him. I rolled onto my back, ignoring my erection and let the tears come.

Because now I was alone.

I had no idea how long I'd slept or what time it was, but it was dark. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and took a cold shower in the adjoining bathroom.

Someone had brought my bag up, and I pulled on the faded jeans and worn sweater that were the only other clothes I had brought with me. The first things at hand when I'd shoved a few things into the first bag I'd found, just wanting to get out of the flat, away from the truth—that I'd just buried the love of my life.

I stuffed the clothes I'd been wearing into the bag and zipped it closed. Black pants, black shirt, funeral clothes. The clothes I'd worn all that day, and the long hours waiting at Heathrow for the first available flight. I'd worn the same clothes on the plane to Seattle, and on the four hour drive to Forks. I didn't want to see them again.

My stomach growled, reminding me that I hadn't eaten since the flight, so I ventured down stairs, grateful that it was night and I wouldn't have to face anyone yet.

But light came from the open door of my father's office. I paused. I knew he would leave me alone if that was what I wanted, but I owed it to him—after turning up like I had—to at least say hello, or goodnight, or good morning, or whatever it was.

I glanced up at the wall clock when I stepped silently through the doorway. Five AM. He must be doing an early shift. "Hey," I said to get his attention.

He turned, the look of surprise on his face shifting into a gentle smile. "Edward. Son. How did you sleep?"

I shrugged.  _I dreamed about him, about making love to him._  "Okay, I guess. So..." I ground my teeth together. "Jane? She told you... everything?" Please let her have told them everything, I don't think I can bear to go through it again.

"She was worried about you. She told us that you'd disappeared immediately after the funeral—" He stopped abruptly, probably because I had screwed my eyes shut tightly in an effort to control the grief that threatened to spill out. I backed up to the wall, slid down to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees. I took deep breaths. He was gone. Really gone. I'd put him in the ground and I'd never hold him again, or kiss him, or tell him I loved him...

"She said it was an overdose," Dad said quietly.

"Ecstasy," I whispered, my lips curling into a sneer. "Of all the fucking stupid..." I could still barely believe it.

"Were you with him when it happened, Edward?"

I looked up at my father sharply. Jane, just as heartbroken as I was had only imparted the barest facts to my parents... and I would have to fill in the blanks. "I should have been with him. I was tired, I didn't want to go out. If I'd been there..."

It all came crashing down on me again, and I couldn't stand that Dad was looking at me like that, his face full of pity when I could have prevented all of it. And then I got angry, because we'd agreed that he wouldn't do it without me there... "Sorry," I muttered as I pushed myself to my feet and bolted for the front door.

I'd just lit my third cigarette when he came out, the leather satchel he'd taken with him to work every day since I could remember in his hand. He sat down beside me on the step. "You're smoking again," he observed.

I shrugged. "It's been a rough week."

"Any time you're ready to talk, son, I'll be here."

I nodded. I'd always been able to talk to my parents, but Dad was probably the best choice now... if I ever reached the point where I wanted to talk. He understood grief. Doctors were supposed to keep their distance, remain aloof—they had to, they dealt with death every day. But not Carlisle Cullen. He had a unique compassion and felt every loss of life keenly, no matter how it had come about. It was  _why_  he became a doctor, he'd told us as we were growing up, so he could preserve it where he could. And unlike some doctors, who could come across cold and unfeeling to the bereaved, he shared their grief and went out of his way to help them through it. It was how we met the Clearwaters. Harry Clearwater had suffered a heart attack and died when Seth was ten and his sister Leah twelve. Dad had encouraged Alice and I to spend time with Sue's kids, to take them hiking and camping and to give Sue a break when she needed it. They were good kids, but losing a father was hard on them while they were so young.

I was reminded of my encounter the day before. "I bumped into Seth Clearwater yesterday," I said. It was a good excuse to take the focus away from my loss, because I wasn't ready to share it yet. "He's grown."

Dad chuckled softly. "Teenagers do that. He's eighteen now. He's a good kid."

"And Sue and Leah?" It felt good to concentrate on something else for a tiny moment, even small town gossip.

"Leah's in college. Sue married Charlie Swan a couple of years ago—remember I told you?"

I did remember that, vaguely, Dad telling me that Sue had had some trouble with the kids while I was away in college, and that they had settled down some after Sue had moved into town. "Right, yeah of course. Sorry, I..."

"It's okay, Edward, no one expected you to keep up with the local gossip, you were so far away."

I'd been in England for close to two years. I didn't think I'd ever be able to go back. London would forever be tied up with  _him_.

I wanted to distract myself. "So, umm, Seth's at Forks High now?"

Dad nodded. "He's about to graduate. Now I should really get going. Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I wasn't, really, but there was nothing my father could do that would change that. "Go."

~oOo~

 _I looked closely at the photo on the card and then up to the face that leaned over the bar towards me, a wide smile showing straight white teeth. I looked down again,_   
_and then up into the big, innocent blue eyes. I studied him carefully, but I was already satisfied that the licence was legit, now I was taking the opportunity to check him out properly._

 _He started laughing. "See anything you like, love?" he asked, and my cock twitched at his London accent, his face, the cheekiness of him._

 _I blushed, embarrassed at being caught out, but I refused to get all stammery and stupid over this cute kid, so I put on my sternest expression. "You don't look twenty," I said, pointing at the date on the card in my hand. "Now if this said eighteen I might believe it, but twenty's a stretch. Come on, this isn't your I.D. is it?"_

 _His lips parted, his eyes opened wide, and then he pulled his lower lip between his teeth and bit down as a gentle flush coloured his pale skin. "Wow," he breathed. "Say something else."_


	2. Chapter 2

_He was still there when my shift ended, and I poured a couple of beers and walked confidently over to the corner where he sat with his friends. One of the girls must have been his sister; there was no way they could not have been so closely related with such similar features. He sat towards the edge of the group and there was an empty chair conveniently right beside him, and so, placing the two glasses down on the table, I slid into it with a smile on my face as he watched with amusement._

 _"Hello," I said, trying to keep my smile from turning into an enormous stupid grin. "I'm Edward."_

 _He didn't bother trying to control his own delight, his face spreading into a happy smile. God, he was beautiful. Like really beautiful, in the truest sense of the word. He had pale clear skin and a gentle flush coloured his cheeks. His straight brown hair covered his forehead and it was slightly longer in the back, tucking behind his ears. It looked as soft as silk and I wanted to touch it. His clear blue eyes sparkled, and his lips were soft and full. I wanted to kiss him, badly._

 _"Alec," he said. "Thanks for the drink."_

 _We stared at each other for a few long moments, as if learning each other's face by heart. And then he leaned in close to my ear. "So, what are you gonna make me for breakfast then, love?"_

~oOo~

I'd intended just to get myself a bowl of cereal or make myself a sandwich, but I reasoned that at least Mom, if not Alice and Jasper as well, would be up soon, so I started making pancakes. I hoped they wouldn't mind tears in their breakfast.

I'd just started pouring the first batch when Mom appeared, still in her robe, and by the time Alice and Jasper came down, I had a full stack.

I impressed myself with my ability to act normal, to keep my composure as Mom spoke quietly of how Jane had called, worried about my whereabouts and my welfare when she couldn't contact me or find me at home after the funeral. I felt bad about it—she had lost as much as I had, but after the service I couldn't even bear to look at her face; they were so alike.

It was when I'd arrived back at our flat after the wake that it had truly hit me. I kept expecting him to walk in the door or come up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head between my shoulder blades, and I couldn't stand it. I'd shoved the credit card that I'd never used in my wallet, thrown a few things in a bag and walked out in the clothes I was wearing.

After Jane called, my parents had contacted Alice and my brother Emmett to see if I'd been in touch, but of course I hadn't. Emmett's wife Rosalie was pregnant again, so they couldn't fly, but Alice and her boyfriend Jasper had caught the first flight from New York.

Alice insisted on driving to Port Angeles to shop for clothes for me and I encouraged Mom to go with her. I knew Alice was perfectly capable of picking out a wardrobe for me. She knew me so well. We'd always been close, only ten months between our ages—I was the younger, and I'd been born a month early—and we'd joked at school that we were practically twins.

It wasn't until I'd started dating a twin that I realised how off the mark we were.

Jane had come as part of the package. It was a good thing I loved her like a sister, but it was easy to do because she was so much like  _him._  I owed it to her to apologise. And so, once Alice and Mom left, I retreated to Emmett's room with the cordless phone and dialled.

When I heard her small girlish voice I had to fight the tears back again. She was so much a part of the memories I had of him that I found it hard to breathe. "It's me," I managed to say.

"Edward, thank god. It's so good to hear your voice, love. I was so worried."

I choked back a sob. "I'm sorry... I just..."

"Hey, it's alright, I just miss you both now. Alec's gone, and then you disappeared, and... oh love don't cry, you'll get me going again."

She talked just like he did. The voice was completely different of course, but the cadence, the expressions she used... It was too much for me to handle. I choked out an apology and a promise to call again soon, and she let me go.

As soon as the phone was away from my ear I dissolved. I don't know how long I lay curled up on the bed, hugging a pillow tightly to my chest, the comforter soaked with the tears that I could not stop. Eventually I slept.

~oOo~

I was out of cigarettes. I'd showered again, and dressed, pulling on a pair of narrow black jeans and a plain black sweater. It seemed fitting.

Alice and Mom had kindly disposed of the rental car for me, so I used Mom's Volvo. I intended to go into Forks, stopping at the first store I found and returning, but for some reason when I got to the end of the driveway, I turned the other way. There was a small convenience store at La Push, and I could sit on the beach for a while and stare out at the waves. I glanced at the darkening sky and hoped it was still open.

The stormy sky and the sound of the crashing waves seemed very appropriate to the way I felt inside. I wanted to scream, shout my anger at him for being so fucking stupid, and I wanted to cry, let out the burning guilt I felt for not being there for him when he needed me. I couldn't do either. I just sat there in the damp sand, my arms around my knees, chain smoking and letting the pain eat away my insides.

It was dark when I saw a lone figure coming down the beach towards me. As he came closer, I realised it was a young man, his eyes on the ground, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his low slung jeans. It was too dark to see features, but there was something about the posture, about the way he walked that was very familiar.

I waited until he was about to walk past right in front of me, until I could be sure of his identity before I called out. "Seth?" I don't know why I did it. I'd come down here to be alone, but I felt it would have been uncommonly rude to let him walk past without acknowledging him, even if he hadn't seen me.

His head snapped up in surprise, and then a big smile spread over his face. "Edward?" He strolled over and flopped down beside me in the sand. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"It's quiet." A huge wave crashed onto the beach and I saw the irony in my statement. "Kind of. I thought you lived in town now?"

"I come down here on weekends. I feel close to Dad here, you know?" He must have seen a change in my expression that I hadn't been aware of. "Yeah, I talk about him now. Good, huh?"

The Seth I remembered was a scared and angry little boy, one who in his grief, refused to speak of the father he had lost. I found I could relate. I hadn't said  _his_  name out loud since I'd watched him lowered into the earth. A strangled sob escaped my chest, and I dropped my eyes, hoping Seth hadn't heard it over the waves, but I could feel his gaze on me.

"You okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.

I shook my head, still looking at the sand between my feet, saying nothing because I didn't trust myself not to break down completely.

Thank god he didn't say anything else for a long time. Eventually I lit a cigarette and just stared back out into the ocean as Seth was doing. It didn't feel strange that I was sitting on the beach beside a man I barely knew—I'd known the boy, but that was a long time ago—and not speaking. I felt like we shared something in common, even though he had no way of knowing it.

Or maybe he did. I knew he was going to speak when he inhaled deeply, but his words were tentative. "You know, I hated it when after Dad died, people would always say how sorry they were. I couldn't figure out why they were apologising for something they couldn't possibly have had anything to do with." He turned to look at me and I met his eyes. "You never did. You just hung out with me, you know?"

My grief must have been so palpably obvious. I nodded, acknowledging his assumption and his gratitude. For some reason it was comforting to know that there was someone who understood, and I didn't feel like I needed to explain. He seemed to know that I'd lost someone important and that was enough. His presence was calming and I was almost disappointed when the inevitable rain began to fall.

"You ever wanna hang out, you know where Charlie's place is, right?" He dropped his eyes to the ground and shoved his hands back into his pockets.

"Yeah," I replied with a genuine smile. "Thanks."

He grinned at me before he turned away and headed back down the beach in the rain.

~oOo~

A week passed, and then another. Alice and Jasper went back to New York, and it was just Mom, Dad and I left in the house. I spent an unhealthy amount of time alone, by choice; there was only so much parental pity I could handle. I spoke to Jane on the phone every couple of days and always ended up in tears again. She needed to talk about him to the only other person on the planet who knew him as well as she did, but it killed me every time. I think she understood. She let me go when it became too much. She did that for me, and I called and listened, for her.

I'd had to tell her that I had no intention of returning to London to live. I didn't want to go back at all, but she'd cried, and made me promise that I would at least come back to clear out our flat, and I wired some money to cover the rent.

I had two more weeks before I had to go. It was like a sentence, a countdown to disaster. I booked a return ticket. And I panicked.

I started staying in Emmett's room all day, either sleeping or staring at the walls. The idea of walking back into our flat, the home we'd shared together for almost the whole time I'd lived in London, and him not being there... It was too much. Here, I was reasonably safe. He'd been in this house once, for two nights last Christmas, so not every part of the house held a memory of him. I still couldn't go near the room we'd slept in, my old room; I couldn't go out onto the back porch where we'd sat in the evenings curled up together on the porch swing; I couldn't go into the dining room where we'd eaten Christmas dinner with my family; I couldn't go near the piano where he'd sat beside me on the bench as I played for him...

Emmett's room was the one completely safe place. Nothing ever took the pain away, but I was spared the constant reminders of things he'd held, looked at, touched. I couldn't bring myself to leave.

Mom and Dad would come up, their expressions and voices becoming more worried by the day. My depression was seeping out, infecting my family and it made me feel worse, but I couldn't pull myself out of it. Dad kept bringing up the subject of grief counsellors and I kept ignoring him. I didn't want to talk about _him_. I didn't want to talk about my feelings. I just wanted to be left alone.

Mom brought me the phone one day, about a week out from my dreaded return to London. It was Emmett. I guess I should have expected our parents to tell my brother and sister what was going on, but I wished like hell that they would have left it alone. Especially as Emmett—though I loved him dearly—was not the tactful type.

"You're driving Mom and Dad crazy, bro. Maybe you need to get out, get drunk, loosen up a bit. Talk to people. Meet some people. I dunno, maybe..."

I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it in disbelief. And then I shoved it back again. "Are you suggesting, Emmett, that I need to get  _laid_?"

"Fuck, I dunno man, whatever works, you know?"

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't be angry with him. It was just the way his mind worked. "Goodbye Em," I said, relatively calmly before I hit the end button. Sex was the last thing on my mind—during the day in any case. At night my dreams were filled with it, with  _him_. They were the only memories of him I didn't hate. I'd become used to them, become used to waking hard every morning. I never did anything to relieve it, never touched myself, jumping straight into a cold shower and staying there until my erection had subsided. I hadn't had an orgasm since the last time we'd made love. It had been a month.

I couldn't even think about sleeping with anyone else. Right now it felt like I'd never want to be with anyone else ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

_"Wow, nice place," Alec said as I showed him into my flat. "Not bad for a guy who works in a pub. You don't have a rich boyfriend, do you?"_

 _I blushed. Dad's insistence on not letting me live in the 'bad' part of London caused me some embarrassment, and at twenty-two I thought I was a little old to let my parents take care of me. But they would have freaked if I'd been living in a crap-hole, and I didn't want to share. The rent was all I'd let them pay for. I had stuffed the credit card they'd given me in the bottom of my underwear draw and forgotten about it._

 _"No. No boyfriend." I pushed the door closed with my foot and took a step towards him, backing him up against it with one hand either side of his head. I was going to kiss him, but first, I wanted to look at him some more. God, his eyes were so blue and his lashes brushed against his cheeks when he closed the lids. His face was broad—which I realised was what made him look so young—and I wanted to taste those full rosy pink lips so badly. "You're so beautiful," I breathed, and for all his confidence and cheek, he had the courtesy to blush._

 _I couldn't resist any longer, so I leant in and pressed my lips to his._

 _He opened his mouth to me immediately. He tasted divine, beer and sweetness, and I could have kissed him for hours, exploring his lips, tasting his tongue, tugging with my teeth at the post that impaled it. Something about him made me want to slowly and carefully assimilate every part of him. I wanted to keep him, and yet I barely knew him._

~oOo~

The only reason I left the house was to buy cigarettes. I wouldn't go into town. I went back to La Push every time, and the time spent sitting on the beach staring out at the waves at least gave Mom and Dad some reprieve from the black cloud of despair that I dragged with me everywhere I went.

I'd been back a few times since I'd run into Seth Clearwater down there, but hadn't seen him again after that first time. If I went down during the day, there were always a few people about but I never talked to anyone, and they never talked to me.

It was a rare sunny day and there were more people around than usual. The small parking lot was full of cars. I slid the Volvo into the last space available, right next to a beat up looking red Chevy truck.

There were a few people in the water swimming. I couldn't understand it; it must have still been freezing, despite the gentle sun.

I took my regular spot and assumed my position, my knees pulled up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them, trying to hold myself together. I stared out at the waves, letting the crashing sounds, salt air and warm sun on my skin calm me.

Two of the swimmers were coming out of the ocean, and I knew straight away that one of the tall copper-skinned men was Seth. I wondered who the other man was, and as they left the waves and walked up the beach, I realised I knew him too. Jacob Black was around my age. His father had been a good friend of Harry Clearwater's and was also friends with Charlie Swan, Seth's step-dad, so it stood to reason that they would hang out together. Jacob still wore his hair long, and as he walked up towards where I sat, he pulled the tie from it and wrung water from the lengths.

Seth's hair was short in comparison, though it covered his neck and obviously got in his eyes a lot. I smiled as he pulled his fingers through the wet strands, pushing it away from his face as he laughed at something Jacob had said before he turned and looked up the beach.

He saw me then, and his smile turned into a welcoming grin, and he jogged the rest of the way up the beach towards me. He flopped down, not seeming to care that his wet skin was getting covered in the warm sand. "Hey, Edward. How are you doing?"

It was the greeting people used when they ran into an acquaintance, or called a friend on the phone—the thing one didn't really think about when they said it. But I could tell that when Seth asked how I was doing, he truly wanted to know how I was, how I was coping.

And so I didn't give him the stock standard answer, the generic 'I'm good, how are you?' I gave him the truth. "Umm... worse. Yeah..."

He grimaced, a tiny crease appearing between his brows, but he didn't say anything because Jacob reached us.

"Edward Cullen, I heard you were back in town. How's it going?"

This time, all that was required was the generic reply. "Fine thanks, Jacob. How are you?"

He shrugged happily. "Can't complain." He looked down at Seth. "You want me to take the truck up and get started? You gonna hang out here for a while?"

Seth cocked one eyebrow at me as if seeking permission to stay, and I nodded automatically.

The old Chevy I'd parked beside roared to life as Jacob started it with a grinding of gears, and Seth cringed. "He's gonna fix that. God, I hope he can fix that."

"That's your truck?"

"Yeah. Bought it off Jake's dad a couple years back. It's never given me any trouble till now. It's just getting embarrassing."

It was nice to be able to talk about something as trivial as cars for a short while. I didn't know much. Emmett and Rose were the car people in our family and I hadn't even owned a car for the last two years, but Seth seemed to love his old truck, and we laughed about the fact that he was attached to it and didn't want it to die. It felt good to be able to laugh and smile. It was strange, like I was using muscles I had all but forgotten about.

It scared me a little that it felt so good. It scared me a little that I was enjoying Seth's company so much. It was downright disturbing to me that I kept stealing glances at his well built, half-naked body as the sun dried the seawater still clinging to his skin, and not because he was still in high school and I was twenty-four, though that point did make me feel slightly debaucherous.

It was the fact that I  _was_  looking.

I'd buried Alec less than a month ago, and I felt as if I was betraying his memory by finding another man attractive. As much as I was comfortable and calm here with Seth, I couldn't make myself stay. I made my polite apologies and told him I had to go.

"Okay." It was like he understood everything, and I couldn't begin to understand how or why. "I'm gonna jump back in the water before I head up to Jake's." And then he jogged back towards the ocean, and I watched him go, biting my lip against the emotions that felt so disloyal and forbidden.

~oOo~

I went back to England. I asked Alice to come with me, simply because I didn't think I could do it alone. The only problem with that was that she kept trying to talk to me. I had to pretend that I was asleep on the plane just to escape her constant efforts to cheer me up.

It wasn't going to happen. I had an abject horror of walking in to our home, filled as it was with the very essence of him.

Jane met us at Heathrow. My heart broke again when I saw her, her face was so like his and I hugged her fiercely. "It's good to see you again, babe," I told her as I held her and fought back my tears. I called her 'babe' because  _he_  always had .

I can't explain what it was like to walk back into our flat for the first time since I'd left so hurriedly. Everything was exactly as I'd left it—everything was exactly as  _he'd_  left it, because I'd not been able to sleep here after he died, spending the nights before the funeral on Jane's couch. The book he'd been reading still lay on the coffee table, the shoes he'd kicked off still sitting underneath, and the jacket he'd worn that day was spread over the back of the couch.

I half expected him to walk into view, to suddenly come out of one of the other rooms to greet me as if I'd just arrived home from work.

I turned to Alice and Jane. "Can you girls give me a minute?"

The door closed with a click behind me, and then I walked slowly into the main room. I picked up his jacket, automatically trying to smooth the month old creases out of the faded drill. He'd had it longer than I'd known him, and the thick fabric was soft and pliable and worn. I'd been telling him to get rid of it, to replace it, but he always refused, insisting that it was the most comfortable thing he owned. I held it to my face, to my cheek, tears I didn't know I had shed soaking into the fabric.

I lay it out flat on the table and picked up his book. It was the battered first volume of his favourite epic fantasy series, and was bookmarked about halfway through by a frayed and discoloured square of cardboard emblazoned with the logo of a popular brand of beer. Age faded ballpoint digits marked the edge of the card.

I closed the book and placed it in the centre of his jacket and folded it carefully around it. I left the strange parcel in the centre of the table and let the girls in. "We're gonna need some boxes," I told them. "I'll ship my stuff home. I guess we pack his things up. I don't want much, some of his books, the things I gave him. The rest can go to his parents." I'd rented the place furnished, so it was only the personal stuff we had to deal with. The emotional things, the special things. The painful things.

But it was late and Alice started making noise about heading to the hotel we'd booked. Suddenly I didn't want to leave. There was so much of him here and I'd gone so long without it. I needed to stay. So I sent Alice and Jane on their way and then I was alone.

The utilities were still on, thank god, though someone—probably Jane—had cleaned everything perishable out of the kitchen. I made coffee and drank it black, leaning against the kitchen counter. The flat felt enormous and empty. Every tiny sound echoed. The room should have been filled with his laughter, his teasing, the music he loved. I moved to the stereo and flicked the switch at the wall, turned the volume knob down low and pressed play. As I waited for the changer to find the last disc it had played, I started returning dusty C.D.'s to their cases. He'd always pulled the discs out and tossed them on top of the stereo and it drove me insane, but I found myself smiling as I put them back in order.

The raw chords of his favourite indie band swept into the room. He'd had it playing loud that night as he got ready to go out, while I sat on the couch with a book and scowled at the disturbance. He'd begged me to get dressed and go with him, but I'd been working long shifts and just wanted to sleep.

It was my single most regretted decision. If I'd gone with him, he would be alive now; we'd be here together and we'd be curled up on the couch watching a late movie, or in bed making love, or sleeping in each others arms.

I sat down heavily on the couch and pulled my knees into my chest. "I miss you so much baby," I whispered. "I'm making a mess of everything without you."


	4. Chapter 4

_I was vaguely aware of the bed shifting as Alec slid in beside me. I rolled towards him automatically, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him in close. "You're home," I mumbled sleepily. "I'm glad you're home." I slid my hands down his body. "Hmm, and you're naked too."_

 _"So are you, love," he whispered in my ear before his lips met the tender skin of my throat and he began to kiss me there, slowly moving downwards under the blankets, over my chest, and down my stomach. He dipped his tongue into my belly button, and with his hands on my hips, rolled me onto my back. He took me into his mouth, swirling his tongue and sucking gently until I was fully erect. I moaned as the hard metal ball attached to his tongue swept up and down the underside of my cock. I pushed off the blankets and wound my fingers into his hair, guiding his head back so I could look down into his face, illuminated by the streetlights outside the window as he sucked me off._

 _"You're so good at that, baby," I murmured as our eyes met. Something tugged at my consciousness, like there was something I was missing, something I should know but had forgotten. But the thought was fleeting, because I could feel it starting, my orgasm was building deep within me, winding me tighter and tighter. Alec knew, because he took me deep into his mouth and teased the underside of my cock with his stud before pulling back and plunging down onto me again swiftly, and again, and again. "Oh fuck," I cried, and then I let go, releasing into his perfect mouth and I watched his eyes close as he swallowed everything I gave him._

 _I recovered and pulled him up to me. "I love it when you wake me like that." I kissed his beautiful lips, tasted myself on his tongue._

 _"You're not awake," he said. "You're still asleep, and I'm not here."_

 _"Huh?" My arms were empty, and I was alone. A black feeling of loss swept over me, the deepest despair I had ever known, and I couldn't control the sob that rose up from within my chest, or the hot tears that streamed from my eyes._

I woke gasping. I'd fallen asleep on the couch with the light still on, the stereo display flashing to remind me that the disc had played through all the songs. The thin sheen of sweat on my body chilled me in the unheated air, and I was painfully hard.

It hadn't been like the other dreams. It was too real, too specific, because of where I was, in our house where he was so much more real. I could still feel his lips on mine, the silky texture of his hair wrapped around my fingers. Grief and lust consumed me, warring with each other as my sorrow caved to the base need to relieve my aching erection.

I stripped and climbed into the first hot shower I'd had in weeks; our shower, the location of episodes of shower sex too numerous to count.

I'd come countless times in my dreams over the last month, but never in reality, and it took only a few strokes before I was overcome with a painful, stomach clenching, yet anticlimactic orgasm. I slid to the floor and sat shaking and sobbing under the stream of water until it ran cold.

~oOo~

I plugged my phone in to charge it. There were countless new messages: from Jane, Alec's parents, our friends, my boss. All of them worried about me when I'd up and left with no word. I deleted them. They weren't the messages I was interested in.

I was a sentimental sap, and had kept all the voice messages Alec had ever left for me. It was part of the reason I'd left the phone behind when I'd run away. I couldn't deal with the temptation to hear his voice then, yet it was all I could think about now.

I chose the option to run through all the messages, and it began to play almost two years worth of his words. His voice.

" _Alright, love? It's complete arse being at work when I can't stop thinking about you. Gonna try and get off early so I'll come to the pub for afters, yeah?"_

The tears were flowing, but I was smiling too. I couldn't get enough of his beautiful voice, and I listened to them all. Some of them made me laugh, some of them aroused me with his cheeky suggestions. All of them made me miss him so painfully. The last one made me want to tear my heart right out of my chest.

" _I miss you, love. I should've stayed home. I'm still at the pub, we're just finishing a round and then the lads are going on to a club, but I'm coming home so you can shag me stupid alright? I love you, baby."_

He hadn't come home that night. For some reason he'd decided to go to the club with the other guys, he'd dropped E with them, they'd gotten separated, and he'd been found dead in the early hours of the morning.

~oOo~

There was no lack of help as we packed up the flat. Our friends were few and diverse, but close knit, and they all were there at one time or another. Alec's parents came too.

On our last night in London, I stood in the middle of our living room, stripped as it had been of all our things. I could still feel him here, hear his laughter, and I found it difficult to walk out the door for the last time. But I did it. I walked out into the hall where Alice and Jane waited for me. "Come on girls," I said, and I noticed that the cheer in my voice was real. "Let's go to the pub. Everyone's waiting."

Walking back into the place where I'd worked while I'd lived in London was strange. It was the place I'd met Alec, where we'd spent so much time with our friends. The people he'd grown up with, gone to school with, they had become my friends as well. I felt like he should be there with the others, his face spreading into a stupid grin when he spotted me, chiding me for having taken so bloody long.

But of course he wasn't.

I sent the girls off to sit down, and went to the bar. My old boss stood behind it, and I gave him an embarrassed and apologetic smile.

"Good to see you, Ed." He was the only one I ever tolerated calling me that, and only because he'd always refused to call me anything but. "You alright, mate?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think so. Or I will be. Hey look, I'm really sorry about just leaving like that—"

"Not to worry, son, can't say as I was surprised. I'd likely be the same if anything ever happened to the missus, god forbid it ever does." He started pouring pints without me having to ask. "What are you gonna do with yourself now, do you think?"

I had been thinking about it. I couldn't very well just sit around in Forks, living off Mom and Dad for the rest of my life, feeling sorry for myself. "I only ever meant to take a year off school when I came here. I guess I'll go back. Become a doctor like I planned to."

"You gave up a lot to be with that boy, didn't you?"

I arranged the glasses on a tray and slid it off the bar. "He was so worth it." I gave him a weak smile and then I joined the others.

~oOo~

It was like a wake for Alec, this final gathering, but this time it wasn't so painful, so tainted with the crippling grief that had held me the first time. I was able to laugh at the stories told, stories I'd mostly heard before, some stories that I featured in myself.

Even Alice had a story. Our dad had been born and raised in London—it was the reason I'd come here and the reason I was able to stay indefinitely—and he and Alec had gotten on well when we'd visited my family for Christmas. Despite their very different backgrounds, they had a shared love for the city. Even I stared in disbelief when Dad replied to something Alec said using rhyming slang, and even let what remained of his private school accent become something more like Alec's.

Alec had countered, putting on a thick Cockney accent and using slang and expressions that I'd never heard him use before. It had made me laugh out loud while the rest of the family looked on in utter confusion.

"And then Edward joined in!" Alice said as she continued her story, barely able to speak from laughing at the memory. "And the rest of us sat there with no idea what the three of them were talking about. Rose got huffy and wandered off, and Emmett made Alec teach him some so he could annoy her with it."

Alice's story caused much laughter and discussion, inciting our friends to tease her mercilessly with their own incomprehensible conversation.

The night passed quickly, and when we finally retired to the hotel where Alice had stayed the week, I was drunk. I barely noticed the fact that I wasn't returning to our flat, and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. For the first time in weeks, I didn't dream at all.

~oOo~

It was raining gently when I went to see his grave. The cemetery was beautiful, full of trees and flowers, with gently undulating hills and curving paths. I sat cross-legged on the wet grass beside him. New blades were beginning to peek up through the dirt that I'd helped put there a month ago.

I was alone now, Alice and Jane being happy to take a walk through the grounds as I took some time to say goodbye. I still couldn't speak out loud to him without my voice breaking, so my words to him were solely inside my head.

 _I'm sorry I ran away, baby. At first I couldn't face being there... here without you, so I just left. Not that it made it any easier. I've been a completely useless fuck, sitting around feeling sorry for myself and making everyone else miserable. I didn't think I could stand coming back to our empty house and having you not be there, but I'm glad I did. I'm going back to the States now, back to Forks. I'm gonna go to med school, but I don't want you to think that you were stopping me from doing it before, because you weren't. I was happy with you, as happy as I can imagine anyone ever being. The life I had all planned out before I met you is second best. There will always be a hole inside me, the part of me where you were, and I don't think it will ever be filled again. Okay, so that sounds like a hell of an innuendo but I don't care. There is a part of my heart missing now, and it's here with you and that will never change. I love you. You were the one. And now you're gone and that will never change. But I can keep breathing, and I'll keep going because you would have never let me give up. I will always love you, until I die, and I don't know shit about whatever comes after, but I hope I'll see you again then._

 _I'm going home now. I'll come back when we get your headstone placed, and then I'll come every year after that. Maybe on our anniversary. I figure though that if you want to see me, you know where to find me. Goodbye, Alec. I love you._


	5. Chapter 5

_"I can't believe you made bloody pancakes."_

 _I looked up, surprised. "I said I was going to make you breakfast."_

 _"I thought that was a line." He grinned sheepishly._

 _I grimaced. "You thought I was going to fuck you and kick you out?"_

 _"I'm glad you didn't," he said shyly, and then he grinned. "I mean, these are really good pancakes." He stuffed a forkful into his mouth as punctuation._

 _I couldn't take my eyes off his lips, remembering what it had been like to have them on me, on my skin, wrapped around my cock; he way he'd pressed his teeth against the lower lip when I slid inside him and how they whispered my name when he came. These were all good things, things I wanted to see, feel and hear him do again, and soon. But it was the things those lips did when he was fully clothed that made me smile stupidly and caused my stomach to flutter with excitement._

 _Without thinking, I reached out and used the pad of my thumb to wipe away a stray drop of syrup from his lip. His tongue darted out to catch the remainder, just as I licked the sweetness off my thumb. It might have been the way he looked at me, it might have been the butterflies in my stomach, or it might have been the fact that my dick was hard and I just wanted to drag him back to bed; I couldn't control myself, and I just started talking._

 _"I want you to stay with me today. I don't have to work tonight, and if you don't have anywhere to be, I don't know, we can stay in, we could spend the day in bed, or we could just watch T.V. or talk or go out and get coffee. I want to take you out to dinner, I want to get to know you better, I just..."_

 _He was staring at me, his lips slightly open and he was taking deep, even, audible breaths._

 _"I don't want you to go," I finished._

 _We looked into each other's eyes for a long moment, and I was starting to get nervous, worried that I'd laid myself out in the open and he was about to say no._

 _"Alright," he finally said, "yeah, that sounds... that sounds great. I don't care what we do. Any of it. All of it. It doesn't matter, because I don't wanna go."_

~oOo~

I moved my stuff into my old room when we got back to Forks. I no longer had a fear of it; now I craved the places where he had been. We started eating in the dining room again, and I was able to remember the Christmas he'd been here with pleasure instead of only pain. I began to play the piano again, though I was rusty because I'd hardly touched one in the last two years. And I started jumping through the hoops required to get into med school.

I resolved to enjoy the summer as much as I could.

I'd been back a couple weeks before I realised that I hadn't been to the beach since I'd been back. I'd stopped smoking—again—so I didn't have that excuse to drive to La Push, but I'd still been fairly insular. All the close friends I'd had at school were related in some way, Emmett and Rose, and Alice and Jasper having met at school, and any acquaintances from that time that were still in town, or had come back after college, I hadn't had contact with in years.

The only person I'd had contact with since Alec had died, other than my family, was Seth Clearwater and I found myself thinking about how he'd been so easy to talk to—or not talk to as the case may have been—when I was so broken. Though I was far from whole, I wasn't coming apart anymore, and I needed some company other than Mom and Dad.

So, I called Seth Clearwater on the phone. It wasn't hard to find his number—his step-father was the chief of police—but he wasn't home.

"Since Graduation, he pretty much spends most of his time on the res," Charlie had told me, and that Sue had kept the house in case the kids wanted to move back there after college. The phone wasn't on, so one rainy afternoon, I drove to La Push.

It wasn't until I was over halfway there that I asked myself what the hell I was doing. I couldn't deny the attraction I'd felt for him the last time I'd seen him, so what was I looking for? A friend... or something more?

I shook off the thought. It was a moot point because unless Seth was gay, it didn't matter either way.

His ancient truck was parked out in front of the house, and though this didn't necessarily mean he was home, I hoped that he was.

He greeted me warmly at the door and invited me in. The place looked a lot different from how I remembered, but it was a long time since I'd been here, and Sue had lived there then. As I understood it, Seth had only stayed here on weekends until now and it was empty most of the time, so it had only the bare essentials. But then again, what would one eighteen year old kid really need? It was very tidy, not a thing out of place. None of the usual wet towels or dishes piled in the sink or even shoes kicked under the coffee table. I smiled when the memory of Alec's shoes under the coffee table shot into my mind, and I wondered what he would have thought about me being in another man's house.

It wasn't like that though. I just needed a friend, someone I could be comfortable with, someone who had been through something similar and who knew how I felt, yet didn't expect me to talk about it.

"You want a beer?" he asked, his head in the fridge.

"Yeah, thanks." I missed beer, but the familiar red and white labelled brew tasted bland after what I was used to. I wondered if I could find any good English bitter in the local liquor store. "How did you buy beer?"

He laughed as he collapsed onto the couch and gestured towards an armchair for me. "Jake left it here." He grinned. "I figure it's his own fault if someone drinks it, right?"

I shrugged. "Sounds fair to me. I'm used to serving beer to eighteen year olds anyway."

He leaned forward in his seat. "You worked in a bar in London? Wow, that's... unexpected."

"Well, a pub. What did you think I was doing?" I was suddenly interested in whether he thought about me at all when I wasn't around. It was... a confusing feeling.

He looked a little embarrassed. "I just thought... well it's not like you'd  _need_  to get a job right?"

"I didn't want to sit around on my ass all day. And I wanted to meet real people, you know?"

Seth smiled. "Yeah. That's kind of cool. So did you? Meet the 'real' people?"

 _See anything you like, love?_

"Yeah. Yeah I did. And I'm gonna miss them."

I think Seth knew immediately that I wasn't talking about Londoners in general. He nodded slowly. "How are you doing, anyway? You look better."

"Yeah, I am. You know, living, breathing, eating. Not smoking."

"That's good. Smoking's gross. You talking?"

"Umm... yeah. A little. You know—when it comes." I hoped he understood that I didn't want to be pushed.

He did, because he nodded, and sat back on the couch, his long legs stretched out in front of him as he lifted his beer to his lips.

I gave him a grateful smile. "How are you so good at this, Seth?"

"I think... I think because you were. You remember when Dad died, it fucked me up a bit. You were like, the one person who didn't try and make me talk about my 'feelings'." He rolled his eyes. "Or whatever."

That made me laugh. "That was because I was a teenager. I had no idea what to say to you; I'd never gone through anything like you had. So I just didn't say anything."

"But that's what was so good about it! You just treated me normal, hung out, you guys took us camping and stuff. I know Mom appreciated it, and I fucking sure as hell did, though I never so much as said thank you. So I guess this is my way of saying thanks."

"You're very welcome." I studied the man across from me. I couldn't think of him as a boy any longer; he was so different from the kid I'd known, and yet just the same in so many ways. "And thank you. For now, and definitely for before when I was really fucked up. I appreciate it."

"Any time, man."

We sat a while in comfortable silence. He seemed to be studying his beer bottle quite intently, and I suddenly noticed he was frowning.

"What?" I asked him.

"I was just thinking, about how I was pissed at you when you went away to college."

I cringed. "You were? Sorry."

"Shit, don't apologise. What were you supposed to do? Stick around in Forks so a twelve year old kid would have someone to  _not_ talk to? Nah, it really had nothing to do with you. Had nothing to do with Dad's death either, truth be told. I had other stuff to be angry about. Typical teenage angst, you know, 'no one understands me' shit. And I really thought no one ever would." He was still staring at the label on his bottle, slowly swirling the dregs at the bottom. "Then it got around town that once you'd gotten out of here, gone to college, that you'd come out." He looked up at me then, a very serious expression on his face. "So I thought that there was someone out there who  _would_  understand me, you know?"

Oh fuck.

"You're gay." Well done Edward. State the obvious. But this just complicated everything. No longer could I safely ignore my attraction for him because I thought he was straight. All the feelings of betrayal, that I was being unfaithful to Alec's memory, came flooding in.

"Yeah." He laughed, a short sharp exhalation of disbelief. "No one knows. Like, no one. I've never told anyone. I figured, if you waited till college, then I could too. I've never done anything about it. I've just been kind of killing time until my life can start, you know?"

"Jesus, Seth. No one? That must have been rough." I couldn't even imagine keeping something like that inside me for so long. I'd told my family I was gay when I was fourteen, and it had never been a huge issue. It was my choice to wait until college to be open about my sexuality, and I'd never regretted that choice. High school was hard enough without dealing with small town narrow-mindedness.

He shrugged. "Yeah, but even though you weren't here, it was like you were still helping me, you know? So I was okay. And I always kind of hoped that when you came back for the summer that we could hang out again... and I planned to tell  _you,_  but it never happened."

"God, I'm sorry. If I'd known..." I remembered the summers during my years at college, one spent in New York with Alice and Jasper, one I'd gone to Paris, and the last one I'd stayed in New Hampshire, because I was seeing a guy who lived there.

He shook his head. "Nah, probably wouldn't have been a good idea anyway. I had the biggest crush on you." He glanced at me shyly. "I should probably tell you that it never really went away."

Fuck.

I could practically hear Emmett in my head shouting 'Go for it!'.  _Shut the fuck up Emmett._

This had disaster written all over it.

"God, Seth... right now... I can't—"

"I know Edward. I wasn't suggesting... I totally get it. I just... Fuck. Getting all confessional is not good."

He laughed, and I joined him. It just seemed easier to laugh about it than it was to get all freaked out, because then I'd have to leave. I didn't want to. "Did Jacob leave any more beer in your fridge?"

"There's a couple more in there."

I grabbed our empties and took them into the kitchen and then brought out the last two beers in Seth's immaculately clean fridge. I passed him one and then sat back down across from him. "My boyfriend died," I told him, not so much as explanation for why I couldn't even consider being with anyone else right now, but because it felt okay to finally say it out loud. "He was... the love of my life. It sounds really cheesy, but it's true."

"God, Edward." There was a pained expression on his face, but it wasn't pity, and I was so damned glad that he didn't say 'sorry' like everyone else did. "I figured it must have been something like that," he continued, "I couldn't think of anything else that would have made you so broken."

I nodded. It stunned me that he asked no questions, spoke no comforting platitudes, and just accepted my need to sit in silence for a while.

When he spoke again, it was on a completely different subject. "So we're having a bonfire on the beach tomorrow night. You should come down. I mean, if you're up for socialising." He shrugged. "It's not just us kids either," he grinned, tossing himself in with the 'kids'. "Jake's organising it 'cause Leah's home. Mom and Charlie are gonna be there too."

I remembered the few bonfires I'd been to on the beach back when I was a teenager myself. I'd enjoyed them then, and while I wasn't sure how 'up for socialising' I was, I couldn't sit around every night in the dark, brooding.


	6. Chapter 6

_I walked down the beach towards the fire, excited anticipation flowing through me. I was looking forward to seeing someone, but I couldn't remember who it was. It didn't matter, because once I got there, they would be waiting for me._

 _As I got closer, I saw two figures outlined against the flickering flames. I was confused. How would I know which one I was here to see? They turned towards me, both smiling in welcome, and I didn't know which one to go to. "Come on, love," Alec said, holding his hand out to me. He turned to Seth beside him and they smiled at each other warmly. "We've been waiting for you," Alec continued._

 _He stood in the sand, wearing black trousers and a wool coat that reached to his thigh, a red shirt peeking out from underneath. His face and hands seemed very pale next to Seth, but his skin was luminous, it glowed. The flames cast flickers of yellow and red in his eyes as he looked straight at me, unblinking, bold, and a cheeky smile pulled up the corner of his lips._

 _The contrast between them was stark. Seth's dark coppery skin glowed gold in the firelight. He was shirtless, wore a faded pair of jeans that hung low on his hips, and his feet were bare. He looked up at me from his seat in the sand, his lips slightly open, and his dark brown eyes peeking through the lashes. His hair was swept back off his face and he had the barest hint of stubble along his jaw and upper lip. He held his own hand out towards me. "Edward," he said with a coy smile._

 _Which one of them had I come to see?_

 _I took a step towards them, but the fire was directly in my path. "I can't," I whispered._

 _Alec looked down and Seth met his eyes. Then they both looked back at me, as the fire faded and flickered until the path before me was only smooth sand. I stepped across it; the sand was cold beneath my bare feet. I took Alec's hand in mine and kissed him softly on the lips. "I've missed you," I said. "Am I dreaming?"_

 _I felt Seth's warm breath in my ear. "Yes," he whispered. I turned to him, and he pressed his forehead to mine and wrapped his arms around my waist._

 _"I don't know who I'm here to see," I whispered._

 _Alec squeezed my hand. "It's not a choice you have to make, baby. I'll always be here."_

~oOo~

The sun was just sitting on the horizon when I pulled up at the beach. The fire was lit, but still small and a few people were fetching driftwood, some dragging logs to act as seats. Someone had their car backed up with the hatch open, speakers in the back playing music that softly filtered down to the gathering crowd. I wandered down towards the fire.

A woman spotted me and smiled. She was stunningly beautiful, with long black hair that hung to her waist and shone red in the sunset. I barely recognised Leah Clearwater as the awkward fourteen year old girl I'd known. She walked up to me, still smiling. "Hey, Edward. Seth said you might come. He'll be pleased that you did."

I grinned at her familiarity. It was as if we had seen each other only yesterday, and not six years previously. "Wow, Leah. Look at you. All grown up."

"Not bad, huh? Bet you remember a silly little girl who used to follow you around with puppy dog eyes." She cringed. "Actually, forget I said that. Remember this." She held her arms out to the sides as if to display herself.

Jacob jogged up then and stopped beside Leah, slipping an arm around her. "Hey, Edward, great you could make it. What are you guys talking about?"

"I was just unfortunately reminding Edward of the huge crush I had on him when I was a kid."

I grimaced. "Sorry. I didn't notice."

Jacob laughed. "Well, no. I guess you wouldn't have." He planted a kiss on Leah's forehead.

"I didn't know you guys were together. I'm surprised Seth didn't say anything," I commented.

Leah held her left hand out to me, showing off the diamond that graced her ring finger. "Just got engaged. Kinda the reason for this little party. I guess Seth must have been a little distracted if he forgot to mention it." She grinned, and Jacob had to turn his head away to hide his laughter.

Oh. They knew. I wondered if Seth knew that they knew. "Well this is a little embarrassing. If I'd known, I would have brought a gift. If it helps, you have my congratulations."

Leah shook her head. "Don't worry about it. You can help me kick his ass later if you like though." She grinned at me and then turned to Jacob. "You're trying to get out of fetching wood, aren't you? Shoo, lift, carry." When he'd gone, she led me to a large log beside the slowly growing fire. She opened a cooler and lifted out two bottles. "Beer?"

"Thanks." I sat down on the log beside her and we both stared into the fire for a few moments, but I couldn't help thinking about the fact that she and Jacob knew that Seth was gay. "Can I ask you something?"

"Seth told us this morning. He also said that he told you yesterday. I can't say as we were terribly surprised. Were you?"

I shrugged. "I guess I don't know him as well as you and Jacob do."

"Yeah, well he also told us that you've been a little distracted yourself lately. I'm sorry Edward, for what it's worth. It must be very hard for you right now."

"Thank you, Leah. And yes, it has been difficult."

We sat in silence for a while, the atmosphere thick between us. I decided to break it. "You're worried about Seth, aren't you? And me? You're worried that I'm going to rebound and hurt him." I'd already done enough damage. "Alec died six weeks ago. I'm finding it hard enough to concentrate on brushing my teeth every morning let alone being ready to start something new. I did try to explain that to Seth, and I hope he understood. I just need a friend right now."

Leah looked at me for a few moments and then nodded slowly. "What was he like?" she asked, and for once it didn't bother me.

I sighed. "He was perfect; kind, and thoughtful, sweet, and funny. A real smartass. And god, so beautiful. He was a chef, and a good one. God, he could cook, but he never cooked at home. Except for once." I laughed. "I used to have to go to the restaurant he worked at just to taste his cooking. It was ridiculous." Talking about him tugged at my heart.

"Do you have a photo?"

I reached for my wallet. Up until I'd gone back to London, I'd had no photos of him with me. I'd remedied that while we were cleaning out our flat, and now I had several. I pulled out the picture of the two of us, taken at the pub where I worked on his twenty-first birthday. Alec was looking at the camera and had a gentle smile on his face, a contented smile, and I had my arms wrapped around his waist and was giving him a birthday kiss on the cheek.

Leah studied it for a while. "Wow, he's pretty. How old is he in this picture?"

I grinned. "Twenty-one. I know, he looks young. It's kind of how we met."

The crunching of sand behind us made me look up. Seth was there, and he stepped over the log we were sitting on to dump an armload of driftwood on the pile. "You came," he said, beaming. He collapsed into the sand at our feet. "What's that?"

"Alec," I said, passing him the photograph.

A brief flicker of confusion passed across his features and I realised I'd never told Seth his name. But when he looked at the picture he understood. "Oh." He glanced up at me as if to gauge my mood. I smiled, letting him know that I was okay. "Wow," he continued, looking back at the picture. "You guys look so happy."

I tried to clear the lump in my throat. "We were."

Leah got up from her place beside me, gave me a sympathetic smile and wandered off to find Jacob. Seth was still looking at the photo, an expression on his face that I couldn't decipher. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but didn't know if I was ready to hear his thoughts. "You told Leah and Jacob,' I said instead. "Good for you."

He grinned at me. "Yeah. But now I'm worried what you were talking to my sister about."

I shrugged. "Don't be."

Seth handed the photo back and I slipped it carefully back into my wallet. "He's gorgeous,' Seth said.

I nodded, suddenly unable to speak. Seth got up and grabbed a beer from the cooler behind us and then sank back to the sand. He sat cross-legged, occasionally glancing up at me, and I was reminded of the strange dream I'd had the night before. There was only one person missing. "I had a dream about this last night," I murmured without thinking.

He raised an eyebrow at me in question.

I laughed softly, feeling a little foolish. "Yeah, I've been having some strange dreams lately. But this one was the weirdest."

I couldn't explain though, because at that moment Charlie Swan appeared out of the darkness. "Hey kid," he said, ruffling Seth's hair, who grimaced in embarrassment. "Hey, Edward. Welcome back to Forks."

"Thanks, Chief Swan," I said with a smile. He grabbed a beer from the cooler behind me, and then he was gone.

I laughed at Seth's embarrassed expression. "You get on okay with Charlie?"

"Yeah. He still thinks I'm a little kid, because I'm the youngest, but he's a great step-dad. Didn't have a clue how to live with teenagers at first, and I didn't make it any easier on him. For some reason, I had it in my head that he was trying to replace Dad. He's not really one for talking and sharing, but one day he sat down and told me that I didn't have to choose between him and Dad. Dad would always be a part of me, he'd always be there."

I swallowed heavily. "That makes a lot of sense," I choked out.

Seth looked up sharply. "You okay?"

There was so much concern and worry on his face that I had to reassure him. "Yeah. You just reminded me of something Alec said... once."

"I wish I'd met him," Seth mused. "He must have been amazing. I can tell by the look on your face when you say his name."

I grinned. "He would have loved you. He was a shocking flirt, and a sucker for a beautiful man. He probably would have scared the hell out of you."

Seth looked embarrassed, and if it hadn't been so dark I probably would have seen him blush. I wondered if his face was warm, and without thinking, I reached out and touched his cheek.

He gasped, and his eyes flicked from side to side, probably wondering if anyone had noticed me touch him.

"Sorry," I muttered and pulled my hand away.

He shook his head. "Don't be. I'm just an idiot." He climbed to his feet, brushing sand from his jeans with his hands, and I had a sudden fear that he was just going to walk away from me. But he didn't, instead reaching over the log to grab a couple of fresh beers. He handed one to me. "I feel like going for a walk. You coming?"

I smirked at him. "Aren't you worried about what people will think?"

He bit the inside of his cheek. "I've just decided that I don't give a fuck."

I laughed as I pulled myself to my feet. "Okay, Seth. Where are we going?"

He didn't answer me, but headed down the beach. I followed. We walked in silence for a while, until the sounds from the crowd at the bonfire faded and the beach we walked along was lit only by the half moon that hung low over the water.

"You know I like you, right?"

I was so lost in the silence that I jumped when Seth finally spoke. I swallowed heavily. "Yeah, Seth. I know."

"I don't know why I feel like I have to tell you that. I know it doesn't change the fact that you just lost the most important person in your life and I get that you can't... that you don't want... Fuck it, it doesn't matter. I guess I just know how fucked up it can get when you try and bottle stuff up. I want us to be friends, and figure that means disclosure, right?"

I stopped walking, and waited till he turned around. "We are friends, Seth." It made sense what he was saying about disclosure. It was about trust, and I certainly trusted him, for some reason more than anyone else I'd been in contact with since Alec had been gone. But I was also afraid of what could be unleashed if I disclosed in turn. If he thought I didn't have feelings for him, then I was safe. I wasn't even sure myself what my feelings were. Was I only attracted to him because he was beautiful, or did they run deeper than that? Was I drawn to him because he had been such a comfort to me when my heart was so broken I could barely breathe?

I studied his face; his eyebrows slightly raised in an unspoken question, a tiny crease of worry between them, his lips slightly apart as if he was about to speak. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, making his jeans sit low on his hips, exposing a small area of skin below the hem of his t-shirt. My eyes lingered on that tiny piece of exposed flesh. Did I need to be around him because he made me feel human again, because I felt alive with him, a thinking, breathing,  _lusting_ , living thing?

I sighed. "Dammit, Seth."

I closed the gap between us, put my hands either side of his face, and I kissed him.


	7. Chapter 7

_"You're a chef? Damn, and I tried to impress you with my crappy pancakes."_

 _He cocked an eyebrow at me. "Love, you're mental. The pancakes were smashing. Definitely worth hanging about for." He tried to hide a smile, turning his eyes away from mine, but I saw his blush and I knew he was remembering the previous night, or perhaps the blow-job I'd given him after breakfast._

 _I'd told him that there was no way I was letting him out of my sight until he or I had to work next, and we'd spent the whole day together, getting to know each other. He'd taken me to the flat he shared with his twin sister so he could change his clothes and pick up a few things, and then I took him to dinner._

 _It was a quiet, cosy restaurant, dark in the corners, the main illumination the candlelight from the tapers on the tables._

 _It was perfect._

 _I pulled something out of my pocket and slid it across the table. "I was gonna give you this last night before you invited yourself around to my place."_

 _He picked up the cardboard coaster and turned it over in his fingers. "Thanks, love." His eyes twinkled with amusement. "I'll treasure it always."_

 _"Umm... It's got my phone number on it."_

 _"I won't need it if you never let me out of your sight." He bit his lip in an almost nervous gesture, though he was smiling teasingly. His eyes were on mine, and without breaking that link, he swiftly tucked the coaster into his jacket pocket._

 _I abandoned the pretence at humour. "Is that okay with you?" I prayed he would say yes, because I meant it. I'd known him twenty-four hours, and it was inconceivable that I already knew I didn't want to let him go. His eyes flicked over my face. Was he searching for deception? Did he think I wasn't sincere? "I mean it," I said, willing him to believe me. "I know we just met, you don't know anything about me. And it's fucking insane, because I've been here two weeks and you're the first guy I've met, but I_ know  _that this isn't just a one night thing, or even a fling, or even just about sex—"_

 _"Yes."_

 _I looked up from where I had been staring at my hands while I let my mouth run away from me. "Sorry?"_

 _"Yeah, I'm alright with it. I'm alright with the not letting me out of your sight, and with the crazy, but it doesn't feel crazy, yeah? Fuck it. If this is insane, then I'm happy to be completely barking mad as long as... as long as I get..." He chewed his lip again, and he blushed, and it was so goddamned cute that I almost pulled him across the table and kissed him._

 _"As long as I get you," he continued. "Get to be with you." He blushed furiously again, and dropped his eyes to the table._

 _I carefully shifted the candle to the side and then pulled him across the tiny table and kissed him._

~oOo~

I pulled myself away from Seth, my lips burning from the kiss, the taste of him, beer and warmth and comfort, but I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. "Holy fuck," I gasped.

He looked shocked, surprised, and as I watched, he sucked his lower lip into his mouth and scraped his teeth across it. His posture was pure uncertainty, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides.

"God, Seth, I'm so sorry." I stumbled up the dunes and sat heavily in the sand, pulling my knees up into my chest and hiding my face. Hot tears spilled from my eyes and soaked into my jeans. There was a knot in my chest that was making it hard to breathe. "Baby, I'm so sorry," I whispered.

I felt Seth's strong arms wrap around me, and his warm breath in my hair. "I'm sorry," he whispered, and I realised that it was the first time I'd heard those words from his lips when I'd heard it constantly from everyone else over the last six weeks. But that's not what he meant. He didn't mean 'I'm sorry for your loss,' like everyone else did. He was apologising for being the thing that could make me feel that the pain could go away; that he could heal the gaping hole in my chest that Alec's death had left.

Even if he didn't know it.

I lifted my head, not caring if he saw my tears. I let Seth pull me into his arms and I lay my head against his shoulder. He smelt... so good, like the sea and sun and wood smoke. "I can't remember what he smelt like," I choked, and I was shaking, but he held me tightly against him.

He sniffed, and then I felt his tears on my skin, and I felt my chest contract with guilt that I was doing this to him, infecting him with my pain.

~oOo~

Alec's scent was long gone and it was something I would never get back, but I slept with his worn out old jacket clutched tightly in my arms.

I spent hours pouring over photos, of him, of us together, and I listened to the recording I'd made of all of his phone messages over and over again. I was paranoid that I would lose those too, and had backed up the image and sound files in several different places into perpetuity. I emailed Jane and asked her to collect any digital video any of our friends had of him as well, intending to do the same with that.

It became an obsession to never lose another part of him.

At night, I lay awake remembering our short life together. The night we met, hot sex and then pancakes for breakfast. I remembered how it felt to be inside him when we made love, and hold him in my arms as we drifted to sleep, what it was like to wake up beside him in the morning.

I wondered if the memory I had of how his lips felt under mine was real, or if it had been replaced.

It was almost two weeks since the night of the bonfire, and I hadn't seen Seth since then. He'd been texting me, generally some variant on 'are you okay?' and I'd been answering with 'I'm fine', but I was far from it and I knew it. I was terrified of my feelings for Seth, and I had to admit that they were strong feelings, more than lust and friendship.

I was terrified that Seth could make me forget Alec.

He'd just sent me another message. It was the same as always, and I'd responded the usual way. That was normally it for a couple of days, but a few minutes later, the phone beeped again. I sighed, and sifted under the pile of photographs that covered my bed to find the phone.

 **I need to see you. I need to know that you're okay.**

He was patient, I had to admit. He'd waited all this time, given me this much space before suggesting it. I replied.

 **I don't know if I can.**

I hoped that would appease him.

 **Then you're not okay. I'm coming to your place. See you in 20 mins.**

Fuck.

I didn't bother clearing away the photos. I just lay on the bed amongst them. Mom or Dad would let him up.

It seemed so soon that I heard a timid knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I said, feeling completely defeated.

I didn't look up as Seth entered the room, closing the door behind him with a soft click. He came over to the bed where I lay, my cheek pressed against the comforter, and got down on his knees so we were eye to eye. "You're not okay."

"I'm fine," I repeated stubbornly.

"No, Edward, you're not. You're fucked up, and I think it's my fault, and so I feel like I have to do something about it. But I have absolutely no idea what to do, so I'm just gonna repeat what Charlie said to me about Dad. It's not a choice, Edward. You don't have to stop loving him to be with someone else. He'll always have a part of your heart, you'll always remember him."

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. "I can't remember what he smelt like. I can't remember what he tasted like, what his skin felt like under my fingers."

"And it's my fault because you kissed me."

"No. It's my fault because I kissed you."

Seth sighed and rose to his feet. He started picking up photos and putting them carefully in the box that sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm not picking these up because I don't think you should be looking at them, just so I can sit down. Is that okay?"

I nodded.

He sat down, and the bed shifted under his weight. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as the memory came to me of the last time this bed had shifted like that while I lay upon it. Seth wiped one away as it escaped and ran down my temple. "Come here," he breathed as he pulled me up into his arms. I couldn't help being comforted by his warmth, by his strength, by the maturity he showed that completely belied his eighteen years. I felt weak next to him, and I hated that Seth was seeing me this way.

I pushed him away and sat up, wiping the tears and breathing deeply in an attempt to control myself. "I'm sorry," I choked. "I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up and you have to see it. I don't know why you're still here. Most people would have given up by now."

"I don't like seeing you in pain."

"The perfect excuse for you to just give up."

He stared at me unblinking. "I can't. Even though I'm the cause of your pain, I can't leave you alone." His chest rose and fell with deep, even breaths. "Edward..."

Oh god, don't say it, Seth, please don't say it.

He bit the inside of his lip nervously and dropped his gaze. When he looked up, his eyes were wet. "I'm sorry, Edward. I can't help it. I know I'm just making things worse. And this is the wrong time... as if there would ever be a good time. And I know I could never ever come close to Alec for you, but I can't help... loving you."

I pleaded with him. "Don't." My voice broke.

He squeezed his eyes shut tight and pursed his lips, and I realised he was fighting tears. Suddenly I wanted to comfort him, I didn't want him to hurt because of me. I shifted closer to him, taking his face in my hands and placing soft kisses on his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, and finally, his lips.

It began chastely, just our lips pressing together, but soon I couldn't help but want more and I began to move my lips slowly against his, coaxing them apart with my tongue. I traced the inside of his lips and he whimpered, his arms coming around my waist to pull me closer.

My arms slipped down and around his neck, our tongues tangled together, and god, it was good, and he tasted new and different, and I wanted him so badly.

I fell backwards onto the bed, and I didn't know if he pushed or I pulled, but it felt so good to have his weight on me. I could feel him hard against my leg, and I shifted, rubbing against him, making him groan into my mouth. He wrenched his lips away, gasping. "God, Edward." He rolled off me. "We have to stop."

I faced him, pressing my forehead against his and fighting to control my erratic breathing. "Why?"

"Because... fuck. Is this really what you want?"

I could get lost in his eyes when he looked at me like that, with concern, and god, love. I didn't know whether I was ready for this, or if it was healthy, but I wanted him, so much. "Right now? Yes. In ten minutes? I don't know."

He pulled himself up to sit on the edge of the bed and I followed him, fitting into his side with my cheek on his shoulder and my arms around his waist. "Don't go," I pleaded.

He turned his head and smiled. "I won't. I'll stay as long as you want me to."


	8. Chapter 8

_I watched Alec sleep, awestruck at the peace and beauty in his relaxed face. His full lower lip pouted just the tiniest bit more than when he was awake, and I couldn't resist kissing it._

 _He sighed, and his eyes opened. "Morning," he whispered as he stretched his arms out, wrapping them around me and snuggling in._

 _I kissed him again. "Barely. It's past eleven."_

 _"Pancakes?"_

 _"Always. I wanna talk to you about something first though."_

 _He started fully awake and sat up, a worried expression on his face. "What?"_

 _I laughed at his worry and pulled him into my arms, kissing away the crease between his brows. "Don't panic. I'm hoping you'll like it."_

 _Raising one eyebrow, he stared at me expectantly. "Have at it then."_

 _"I want you to move in with me."_

 _His worry evaporated, and he smiled brightly. "Yeah? Are you sure? It's been a week. You're sure?"_

 _I nodded. "I'm sure. It's not like you've spent a single night at your place since we met anyway. Why put it off? Here's closer to work for you, you'll save on tube fares."_

 _"Right. That's... that's practical right?"_

 _I rolled my eyes at him. "There's a better reason. I'm in love with you. I wanna be with you all the time. I want a good excuse to have you here in my bed—in our bed—every night. I want to wake up next to you every morning in our bed. I need you here." I kissed him again, softly, slowly. "I was kind of hoping that you felt the same way."_

 _I fell backwards onto the bed as he threw himself at me and kissed me back with enthusiasm. "Not half!" he gasped between kisses._

 _I laughed. "What the hell does that mean?"_

 _He pulled back and straddled my hips. "It means I love you, too." And then he slowly kissed me as he rocked his hips over mine. "So much."_

~oOo~

I felt like a yo-yo. One minute I was happy, the next terrified that another small piece of Alec was slipping away. I wanted them both, Alec and Seth, I needed them both.

The first time I'd kissed Seth, on the beach, I'd thought that what I felt was guilt; that I was betraying Alec in some way. What I'd realised soon after was that I feared losing him, the memories of him. I'd wasted time obsessing over images, recordings, when he was there all along, in my heart.

I had been afraid that I would stop loving him. But that could never happen.

Seth had stayed with me in my room all afternoon after we'd kissed on my bed. We'd opened the box of photos again at Seth's request. At first I'd wondered about his desire to hear more about Alec and our relationship, whether it was difficult for him, but he had seemed genuinely interested, even hungry to know Alec as I had.

 **I just told Mom and Charlie.**

I grinned at the text message inanely and quickly tapped out a reply.  **How'd they take it?**

I was sitting on the porch swing. It was another sunny day, quite warm. I was actually wearing shorts, and contemplating my entire lack of colour. I was swinging gently, waiting for Seth's reply when Dad came out.

"You're outside," he observed, giving me a sheepish grin.

"Umm, yeah—" The chime of my phone interrupted me, and I glanced at it.

"Go ahead."

 **Mom was pretty cool. Charlie went a funny color at first, but I think he'll be okay.**

I laughed out loud, and when I looked up at Dad, his eyebrows were raised and he had a broad smile on his face. "Seth?" he asked, and I could tell that there was more to his question than just who the text was from.

"Yeah. And... I dunno." I think I blushed.

"I had no idea Seth was gay," he mused. "It hasn't been very long, Edward. Have you allowed yourself enough time to grieve?"

I couldn't do much more than stare at him for a while. All I had been doing was grieving. I would always be grieving. Even when I was smiling, laughing, I never forgot about Alec; the keen, crippling sense of loss was never absent. My heart always hurt, my chest was always tight. Seth made it hurt less. He made breathing easier. "I don't know how I feel about Seth yet, Dad. I just know that he makes me feel... better.

"And no one knew. He never told anyone. Till just lately." I tapped my phone. "He just came out to Sue and Charlie."

The phone chirped again. With a glance at Dad to see if he minded, I opened the phone.

 **They asked if I was seeing you. Meet me at the beach?**

"Shit." What else could that mean but that he wanted to talk about 'us'? The thought of it made me anxious.

"Edward?"

I realised I was still staring at the phone. I looked up at my father, who was wearing a concerned expression. "What?" I asked, the word coming out terser than I'd intended.

He pursed his lips. "Seth's quite a bit younger than you, Edward. I hope you know what you're doing."

I sighed. "I have no clue what I'm doing. I have no idea what I want. I'm still just trying to hold myself together. He's easy to be around, and it's either that... or lock myself in my room again."

"I see. Well, son, I trust you. I know you'll do the right thing."

Another text message arrived.  **Please?**

~oOo~

Seth's truck was the only other vehicle on the lot when I pulled up. I felt a kind of sick anticipation, and I'd almost stopped at the store to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Seth was nowhere to be seen. In fact, the beach was deserted, unusual for the weather, and the fact that school was out for the summer. Out of habit, I sat in my usual spot, and wished I had stopped at the store.

As I gazed out towards the ocean, I realised why Seth wasn't waiting for me. He was swimming, and was waving at me from the waves.

I got up from my seat and walked slowly down the beach as he came through the waves towards me, jumping up into the air when a large one broke behind him, the foam and spray crashing around him as the sun shone golden on his finely muscled torso. "Fuck, Seth, are you trying to kill me?" I muttered under my breath as I seethed at the impossibly cliché scene.

I collapsed to the ground, just above the line of damp sand, hoping that sitting would disguise the fact that I was semi-erect.

"Hey," he greeted, sinking to the sand beside me. He flicked his hair out of his eyes, spraying me with water.

I shrank back, unable to stop the smile that spread across my face. "Thanks," I laughed, wiping water off my face.

"Sorry. Coming for a swim?"

I shot him a look of disbelief. "I don't even own a pair of swim shorts."

He glanced down at what I was wearing on my lower half. "You're wearing shorts. Come on."

I pulled a face, examining the garment I was wearing. The black fabric ended just above my knee, they were styled like jeans, and almost as heavy. "I'll fucking drown in these, Seth. I haven't swum in years."

He chewed on his lip thoughtfully, and there was an amused glint in his eyes. "Well take 'em off then."

I gaped at him and then shoved him, hard enough that he had to put one hand out to steady himself. "Seth Clearwater, you're a perv. You just wanna see me in my underwear."

He laughed, completely unashamed. "Come on, Edward, I won't let you drown."

I tried to scowl at him, but failed miserably. I wondered briefly what Alice would say if she knew I was about to wear the designer shorts she'd bought for me into the ocean, but found I didn't much care. "Fine," I said, and rose to my feet, thanking god that I'd been able to control my body's reaction to the fact that a beautiful, wet, half-naked Seth was so close. I tried not to let my eyes linger on him too much just in case.

"Come on then," he said, before he took off running back towards the surf.

I pulled off my shirt and kicked off my shoes, leaving them on the beach before I followed him.

Despite the warm sun, the water was freezing. At least there would be no chance of tell-tale erections here, but I was covered in goosebumps before I even reached Seth.

He waited for me in front of the breaking waves, about hip height on both of us, his fingers lazily trailing in the water. He didn't seem cold at all. "How I let you talk me into this... it's fucking freezing, Seth."

His eyes wandered over me, and then he grinned. "Jesus, Edward, you're pale. You need to do this more often, get a tan. You're like, incredibly pale."

I glared at him. "Fuck you. I've been living in England for two years,  _and_  I wasn't lucky enough to be born with beautiful skin like yours." I stared pointedly at his chest, which wasn't actually the best idea, because despite the cold I felt my dick stirring. I couldn't tear my eyes away either, involuntarily dropping my gaze downward, following the lines of his torso to where his board-shorts hung loosely on his hips.

"Yeah, now who's the perv?" He grabbed me by the hand. "Come on, let's go out past the breakers. You'll warm up once you're in the water."

He was right. I did warm up, and it might have had something to do with the need to keep moving in the surf. It simply wasn't possible to stand still amongst the breaking waves, and if you tried, you'd get knocked over pretty quickly.

Even though I hadn't swum in the ocean in many years, the essential skill-set needed to avoid getting knocked over hadn't left me. It was like riding a bike, an instinct, and I'd forgotten how exhilarating it was to be amongst the waves, to dive underneath, to jump up over them to avoid getting hit in the face.

After horsing around in the waves for a while, we went out behind the breakers, where we could tread water and float gently over the rising swells. It felt very isolated out here, private. We couldn't see the beach, and if anyone had been standing on the sand, they wouldn't have been able to see us.

I realised then, just how quiet it seemed. Well, apart from the distant muffled crashing of the waves. Seth and I were both gently floating with the rise and fall of the ocean, and we were looking at each other, but not speaking. It was peaceful. There were never any uncomfortable silences with Seth; no need to fill the air with empty, meaningless conversation.

It seemed perfectly natural, inevitable even, when he reached out, caught me by the hand and pulled me to him. I leaned into him as his lips ghosted over mine, barely touching. My breathing hitched and my pulse raced, and I wrapped my free arm around his neck. We floated peacefully, our faces close, our lips grazing together.

Our legs kept tangling, so I lifted mine and wrapped them around his hips, both arms around his neck to leave his free to help keep us afloat. "I won't let you drown," he whispered.

I took his lower lip between mine and drew it into my mouth, tasting the salt, dragging my tongue across it. I closed my eyes, trusting him as I explored his mouth, dipping my tongue in to touch his, pulling back to move my lips slowly over his again.

We drifted in towards the beach, and Seth stopped treading water when his feet touched bottom. His arms slipped around my waist, his hands drifting over my back in soft circles as our kiss deepened, and the water rose and fell around us.

Neither of us noticed how much more we'd drifted in towards the shore until one of the larger swells crested directly over our heads and crashed over top of us, knocking us down and under the water.

Caught by surprise, I opened my eyes to the stinging salt and swallowed seawater as I was swirled away from Seth's embrace, but he caught my hand and never let go, dragging me to my feet as the wave passed. I coughed and swore, my throat burning, and I was more than a little embarrassed.

"Sorry," he murmured as he pulled me into his arms again. "I wasn't paying attention. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. My pride's taken a beating though."

We made our way into shore, narrowly avoiding getting dumped by another wave. Seth never let go of my hand, all the way up to the beach.

We lay on the sand for a while, drying out, warming up in the sun. I couldn't take my eyes off him, as I lay on my side, my head propped up on my hand. He lay on his stomach, his upper body propped up on his elbows.

"So, what did you tell them?" I finally asked.

He turned his head towards me, a slightly quizzical expression on his face. And then he caught on. "Oh. Right. Umm, I told them about Alec, I hope that's okay." He looked worried, as if he'd done something wrong.

"That's fine, Seth. It's not a big secret."

He sighed heavily and turned his head away from me. "They got real nosy. Ummm. They wanted to know... how."

"Oh." I should have expected that question, but to be honest, it had never crossed my mind. I didn't want to talk about how I had lost him. The guilt, the feeling that I could have done something to avoid it still gnawed at me constantly.

"I told them I thought it was sudden. I mean, I dunno, maybe I just assumed..."

"It was." My voice was strained, and I struggled to get the words out. "He—"

"Edward, it's okay. We don't have to talk about it."

I sighed in relief, sure that if I had to explain again I would break down. My throat felt dry and parched, and I was suddenly very thirsty. "What did you tell them about us?"

He still didn't look at me. "That I didn't think you knew what you wanted."

I let out a dry laugh that was almost a cough. "That's more or less accurate."

He looked sharply at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Swallowed a ton of seawater."

He pulled himself to his feet, brushing sand off himself. "Come up to the house. We'll get you some fresh water before you dehydrate."

~oOo~

 _I woke to find myself alone in our bed. I could smell coffee and hear the television. I found Alec stretched out on the couch, laughing at the inane sitcom on the screen. I stood behind the couch and wrapped my arms around his neck, dropping my lips to the top of his head. "Morning."_

 _He twisted around and looked up at me. "Morning, love. Jesus, you look shagged. It's only eight, don't you wanna get some more sleep?"_

 _I yawned. "Can't sleep without you beside me."_

 _"Sorry, love, I just can't, you know? I'm still really wired." He gave me a sheepish smile. "We'll have a kip later this afternoon maybe, yeah?"_

 _I nodded. "Is the coffee fresh?"_

 _"Nah." Alec jumped up from the couch. "I'll make you some more. That pot's been there since five."_

 _I grimaced and followed him to the kitchen, wondering if I had the energy to make pancakes, or if I should just get myself a bowl of cereal. I didn't function well on less than eight hours of sleep, and I'd finally dragged Alec home around three in the morning._

 _"You know you don't have to come along next time, love," he said as he dumped out the old grounds and replaced the filter. "I know you're not into going to clubs."_

 _I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind and kissed his neck. "Yeah I do. I know you think it's unnecessary, but I'd never forgive myself if I wasn't there and something happened to you."_

 _He froze. "If you want me to stop dropping you just have to say so."_

 _"I can't tell you what to do."_

 _He twisted in my arms, the coffee forgotten. "I asked you to quit smoking and you did."_

 _"I agreed with you on that. I just needed a push." I pressed my lips against his, willing him to relax, but he was tense and wouldn't kiss me back._

 _He turned his head away. "Maybe that's all I'd need."_

 _"If you wanna stop, then stop. Don't use me as an excuse."_

 _He let out a soft laugh. "Yeah, it's easy to say I don't wanna do it again right now, when I just wanna curl up beside you and go to sleep."_


	9. Chapter 9

_I was pissed. In the angry American rather than the happy British sense of the word. I'd gotten the night off work so Alec and I could have a quiet night at home together on our first anniversary, and Alec had called just as I'd finished at the pub to tell me he couldn't meet me for a drink first because someone had gotten sick so he had to stay on to do a double shift._

 _I'd considered staying at work, but the girl who'd come in to cover for me was already there, and I didn't want to waste her time. So I trudged home in the foulest of moods._

 _But when I shoved open the front door, I was greeted by a sight that took my breath away. The lights were all off and the room was lit by dozens of candles, placed randomly around on every flat surface. The mantle, the coffee table, the bookshelves, the kitchen counter, and there was one in the centre of the dining table, which was set formally for two._

 _"Are you angry?" His voice came from beside me._

 _"Of course not, Alec, this is amazing!"_

 _"Happy anniversary, love." He looked up at me shyly from beneath his long black eyelashes._

 _I couldn't help but take his face in my hands and kiss him. "God. You are so beautiful. I love you so much." I realised that there was a delicious smell permeating the room. "Oh my god, did you cook?"_

 _"Did you think I made the table all pretty for a takeaway, love?"_

 _I stared at him, stunned. "You never cook."_

 _Alec frowned at me. "I cook every day."_

 _"At work. You've never cooked for me."_

 _He shrugged. "It's a special occasion. Don't expect it everyday. Once a year, tops."_

 _I was still amazed. "You didn't even cook on my birthday," I mused._

 _"I took you out and got you pissed. Whole different occasion." He grinned._

 _I loved the way he could always make me laugh._

~oOo~

I swallowed several glasses of cool, fresh water before I started to feel better. I was exhausted though, and collapsed heavily onto Seth's hardwood floor as he stretched out on the couch. I cringed as I realised that my still wet shorts were starting to chafe. Tugging at the fabric, I glared at him. "This is your fault, you realise?"

He laughed, but looked suitably contrite. He jumped up from the couch and disappeared for a moment before returning with a pair of soft cotton sweatpants that he threw at me. "Not exactly your style I guess, but better than sitting in wet clothes."

"Thanks." I retreated to his small bathroom to change and assess the damage. There was a small red patch on one of my inner thighs from where a seam had been rubbing against my salt coated skin, but I'd caught it in time. The pants were a little big, but were going to stay up fine, which was the main thing.

When I came back out, Seth was on the couch again, but sitting forward, resting his chin on his hands and looking up at me from beneath his long eyelashes. He hadn't bothered changing, the fabric of his boardshorts having dried long ago. He hadn't even put a t-shirt on.

He had a slight smile on his face, and I wondered what he was thinking about. "They okay?" he asked.

I tugged at the waistband. "Yeah. They'll do." Big mistake on my part. His eyes were on my fingers, and they darkened, his smile fading. I was standing arms length from him, my hips at his eye level, and I realised that because I was going commando, and in pants too big for me, there was no hiding the fact that I started to harden under his gaze. He reached out and put his hands either side of my hips, and looking back up at me, he pulled me closer. "Seth," I said, pleading with him not to do this, but I couldn't stop myself from being pulled towards him. His hands slid around, over the waistband of the sweatpants, and brushed against my growing erection. We both moaned. "Please, Seth, don't."

He drove his teeth into his lower lip, squeezing his eyes shut tight. And then he gripped me by the hips again and pulled me down onto the couch beside him with a frustrated groan.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, letting my head fall into my hands. It had felt so good to be touched by someone again after so long, but I was so confused. I didn't know what I should do. Surrender to whatever this thing with Seth was becoming? What did I want? My body wanted release, most definitely. I was fully erect and aching.

"It's okay," Seth murmured, his arms around me, his lips in my hair. His warm breath, and the smell of him only made my predicament worse, the smell of the ocean that lingered on his skin reminding me of the slow sensual kisses amongst the waves.

I could have that again at least, couldn't I?

I lifted my head slowly, not wanting him to pull away. His lips skimmed the side of my face, and then I turned, just enough to meet his mouth with my own.

I sighed against his lips, and he made a soft grunting sound as his fingers wove into my hair. In seconds it wasn't slow, or gentle, or soft like it had been in the water. He threw himself into the kiss. It was passionate, and needy and raw.

And it wasn't just him devouring me. I was just as voracious, and there was no way I was going to talk myself out of this, because I wasn't thinking of anything except for my need, the warmth of him, his naked chest under the palms of my hands.

I shifted, getting up on my knees on the couch with my arms around his neck, and then he pulled me onto his lap. He was as hard as I was, and it was so easy to begin moving against him.

He grabbed my ass in his large hands, guiding me as we rubbed against one another through our clothes. He was making the most delicious noises, grunts and moans and rumbling growls that came from deep within his chest, and it was driving me crazy, making me move harder, faster against him. And then I remembered. He may have been eighteen, but as far as I knew, this was his first shared sexual experience.

While I was quite fond of the fully clothed dry hump to orgasm, no way was I going to let him have his first orgasm with me without seeing, touching... tasting his cock.

He whimpered as I climbed off him, clutching at my clothes and trying to pull me back to him. But as I settled on the floor between his knees and began tugging at the lace at the front of his shorts, he realised what I was doing.

"Oh god, Edward." His eyes were wide, his lips open, and he was breathing hard.

"Lift," I told him, and then pulled his shorts down over his hips and off his legs, casting them to one side before I nestled between his knees again. His cock was gorgeous, long and thick and perfect in my hand. I couldn't resist dropping my lips to the tip, letting my tongue slide over the end to catch the sweet moisture collected there.

He gasped when my lips closed over the head as I slowly took him into my mouth. "Edward... Jesus. I'm gonna come so quick if you do this."

I pulled back and smiled up at him. "It's okay." I sucked him into my mouth again, and slowly took him all the way in, as far as I could go. I could taste the salt of the ocean on him, and I liked it. I gripped his thighs and began a gentle rhythm, up and down his length, feeling the head of his cock at the back of my throat on every plunge.

The muscles in his thighs began to tighten, his moans getting longer, louder. His hands were on my head, guiding me, and I could feel that he was trying to restrain himself from pushing down, so I quickened my pace, letting him show me what he needed, what he wanted. "Oh god... Edward... so good..."

He was close, I could tell, and no, it hadn't taken long, but I wasn't disappointed, I wanted it. I wanted to taste him, to feel him release down my throat.

"Fuck! Fuck, Edward... yes... please... oh, god..."

I sucked harder, took him deeper.

"Fuck, I'm coming..."

He held my head, his fingers woven firmly in my hair, pulling at the strands. I swallowed around him as hot spurts hit the back of my throat.

His breathing was still heavy and uneven when I joined him on the couch. He kissed me, forcefully, his tongue searching my mouth, meeting mine, moaning when he tasted himself. And then he pulled away, his hands holding me firmly at the back of the neck, his eyes boring into mine. "Why? When you wouldn't let me?" He looked a little worried.

I gave him a reassuring smile. "Because I'm selfish."

He let out a short, confused laugh and shook his head minutely, but he didn't ask anymore questions I had no idea how to answer.

~oOo~

 _We were curled up on the couch in the candlelight together. It was a perfect moment. "Love," Alec said thoughtfully. "You know how you only planned to be in London a year... and then go back for school?"_

 _"I'm in no hurry. Another year or two won't matter."_

 _"What if... what if I don't wanna move to the States?" There was a note of worry in his voice._

 _"Jane?" I asked, knowing how hard it would be for him to be away from his twin for an extended period. He nodded. He saw her everyday; they were like two halves of a whole, inseparable. "I'm not going anywhere without you, baby," I assured him. "I can look into doing it here. Have you been worried about that all year?"_

 _He nodded, looking embarrassed. "You'd stay here, away from your family, for me?"_

 _"Alec, I'd do anything for you." I grinned. "Especially if you make me dinner like that. If I only get it once a year I'll be happy," I mused._

 _He smiled at me, with a dreamy kind of expression on his face. "I like making you happy. Deal. Once a year on our anniversary I'll make you dinner. I can handle cooking at home once a year."_

 _I cocked an eyebrow at him. "For the next sixty or seventy years?"_

 _He cringed, and my heart stopped._

 _"That's a lot of cooking," he said, completely deadpan. "We'll make it fifty, then we'll get meals on wheels."_

 _"What?" I laughed, relieved and yet horrified._

 _He snorted. "You think you're not gonna get old and doddery?"_

 _"I guess I never thought about it."_

 _"I do. All the time." He had a stupid smile on his face._

 _"About getting old?"_

 _"About getting old with you. We're gonna be together till we die, Edward, a couple of wrinkly old guys."_

 _I shuddered. "I'm older so I'll die first, thank god. I couldn't live without you."_

 _He punched me lightly on the arm and laughed. "Jammy fucker, just 'cause you're older you get to do everything first."_


	10. Chapter 10

_I became aware that I was not alone in my bed. I was surrounded by warmth, skin on skin, and though it was dark, pitch black in my room, I knew that I held Alec in my arms. I could smell him, his uniquely sweet scent, could recognise the contours of his body that I knew better than my own as it pressed against me._

 _We were not alone. Large hands, strong arms held me, a hard chest pressed up against my back, but I wasn't surprised. It felt normal, and I was right where I was supposed to be between them, holding Alec in my arms as Seth held me in his._

 _I pressed my lips against the back of Alec's neck, his hair tickling my nose, and I felt an identical wet pressure at the same point at the back of my neck. It sent shivers through me as Alec shook in my arms. My lips moved down the curve of his neck to his shoulder, Seth's lips did the same on mine._

 _I pressed my erection against Alec's ass and he whimpered, and I moaned at the feeling of Seth hard behind me. The quiet of the room was filled with words and cries of pleasure as I both entered and was entered, filled and was filled, took and was taken. We moved together in unison, joined completely._

~oOo~

When the email came in from Jane a few days later, with a vast array of video files attached, I downloaded them all to my laptop and took it with me to Seth's place.

He was expecting me, but he greeted me somewhat shyly, until he saw what I held in my hands. He gave me a confused smile. "You brought a computer? What's going on?"

"I got some videos from Alec's sister." I grimaced. "I dunno, do you wanna see them? It's okay if you don't."

"Of Alec? Yeah, I wanna see them."

"You're sure?" I was very afraid that it would be too much for him, too strange. "I'll probably be in a lot of them with him. I mean, if you think it would be too weird..."

He shook his head and laughed. "Not weird." He took the laptop from me and placed it on the counter. "It's cool. I want to see them." He became shy again, his eyes dropping, biting his lip, but he took my hands in his and moved closer to me.

My breath caught in my throat and my chest burned where his hard body pressed against it. "This okay?" he murmured.

"Look at me when you kiss me, Seth," I whispered, and he lifted his eyes to mine, smiling nervously. Then his lips parted, and he gently captured mine. I sighed into the kiss; it felt good, it felt right, our lips moving slowly together. His mouth was warm, his tongue like wet velvet as he coaxed my lips apart.

He dropped my hands and held my waist, pressing his hips against mine and pushing me up against the counter. The kiss deepened, his lips and body insistent and demanding, and I had to push him away. "Easy, tiger," I gasped. It was hard not to pull him back to me, to have his body warm and comforting against mine. He smiled sheepishly as he disentangled himself and let me go.

I took my laptop and placed it on the coffee table in his small living room and fired it up. "You ready for this?" I asked him as I pulled him down beside me on the couch. "Most of these I've never seen before, so I'm hoping they didn't get me doing anything embarrassing." I queued up the files in date order, took a deep breath and hit play. I was nervous. I worried about his reaction to seeing me with Alec on the screen, and I was worried about how I would react to seeing him on video, walking, talking... alive.

I heard his voice before I saw him, and my breath caught in my throat.

 _"Get that bloody phone outta my face, Felix!"_

He was laughing, holding his hand out to block the camera as he stumbled backwards away from his friend. I'd seen this video before. It was on Felix's phone and he loved to pull it out to tease Alec with. It had been recorded about six months before we'd met, in one of London's parks, and the sun shone brightly, picking out auburn highlights in Alec's hair.

Alec turned and ran from Felix and his phone, then turned back, his hand still out blocking his face from view. He was laughing, and my chest hurt at the sound. The view swung, and Alec backed away again, tripping and falling onto his ass. The screen was filled with his beautiful face, and I couldn't breathe.

 _"Felix, you fucking wanker,"_  he grinned, and then stuck his tongue out before the screen went black.

"Do you wanna stop it?" Seth asked, his arm tightening around me.

I shook my head. "I'm okay." I was glad Seth was with me, glad I wasn't alone in my room falling to pieces.

The next video started, and it wasn't one I was particularly fond of, though I wasn't going to miss any chance at seeing Alec happy and alive. It was another one from before we'd met. "That's the pub where I worked," I said for Seth's benefit.

"Umm, that's not you," Seth said uncertainly as the camera panned past Alec sitting on the lap of another man.

"No. That's Demetri. They were kind of together before I met Alec."

"Kind of?"

I grinned at Seth. It wasn't too hard to look away from this video. "They were fucking. Demetri's still a good friend."

Seth's eyes widened, but he looked back to the screen and we watched together in silence through the next few videos.

Seth laughed. "There you are."

I frowned. "I've never seen this one." It was me at the bar, and I had a nervous, uncertain look on my face. But I was laughing as I spoke to the punters. I realised that the view was from the corner of the room that our group of friends usually occupied, and the angle shifted to focus on Alec. He had an intent look on his face, and he was staring towards the bar.

A giggle came from behind the camera, and I recognised the voice of our friend Heidi.  _"Alec's_ _got it bad for the new guy."_

Alec's head swung around to look at the camera and he made an obscene gesture using two fingers.  _"Point that thing at him,"_  he told Heidi.

 _"You need some new wank material?"_ she teased, and everyone laughed.

Alec stared straight at the camera and raised one eyebrow with a suggestive grin and then looked away again.

The screen went black and Seth burst into loud laughter as he leant forward to pause the playback. I stared at the computer in stunned silence. "I've never seen that one before," I stammered, and then laughed nervously. "It's the night we met."

Seth was still grinning in amusement when he said: "He's gorgeous."

"That's exactly what I thought when I first saw him."

Seth started the video again, and the next one up was taken on the same night, and it seemed to be Heidi's phone again. It began the same as the previous video had ended, on Alec, still staring towards the bar.

 _"Alec, it's your round love. Here's your chance with the looker."_

He rubbed his hands together and then stood, and the camera followed him as he strode purposefully towards the bar, pulling his wallet from his back pocket as he went. And then the camera panned to the bar, and as Alec knocked on the wooden countertop a couple of times to get my attention, I turned and saw him for the first time.

"Oh my god. Look at your face," Seth breathed.

It was so strange to see this moment, the moment I first saw him, from this vantage. I remembered being immediately attracted to him, but I sure didn't remember being that obvious about it.

 _"Bloody hell, look at his face!"_  That was Jane. Her voice was unmistakable.

I hadn't realised that I had been so embarrassingly obvious, and I was blushing furiously. "Can we skip past this bit?"

"No way, man," insisted Seth. "How often do you get to see someone fall in love?"

I shook my head. "That hasn't happened yet," I mused. But Heidi had obviously been camera happy that night, because in the next video, it did happen.

"Here it comes," I said, as I watched myself set two pint glasses down on the table and sit down beside Alec. "Soon." He leaned in close to whisper in my ear. The Edward on the screen leaned back and sucked his lower lip into his mouth, looking thoughtful, and then said something that neither Seth or I could hear. A single tear ran down my cheek. "Now." There was a hushed silence, both on the couch, and coming from the laptop speakers as the two men on the screen reached out to one another and their lips met.

It was a very quick but tender and meaningful kiss, and as I watched the recording that I never knew existed, I remembered the emotions that had flowed through me at the time. It had felt like I had found what I had been searching for my whole life, my reason for existing, my other half.

Alec and I pulled away from each other and simply gazed into each others eyes for a long time. I had fallen in love with him in that drawn out moment.

I stopped the video. "I can't watch anymore right now."

Seth nodded, but he didn't say a word. His forehead was creased, and he chewed on his lower lip. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I was afraid. I didn't want to admit to my fear that he wouldn't want me when he realised that I was never going to be able to let go of Alec. Could he share me? It wasn't fair on him. He deserved a man who would love him and only him. Seth was eighteen, barely a man, and I had the worst kind of baggage, was the worst kind of broken. I didn't have an ex-boyfriend—I had a dead lover, one who would never, could never, be gone from my heart.

If Seth took me as I was—as I always would be—he took Alec as well. I couldn't do that to him.

I swallowed heavily and then shut the laptop. It was so hard just to pull myself to my feet, to lift the computer from the table as if suddenly gravity had increased by the power of ten. This was it, this was the end; of hope, of the thought that I could ever be some kind of happy. I was about to walk away from the one person who had made me feel that I could be anything but empty.

But I had to do it, because it wasn't fair on Seth.

"I'm sorry," I rasped. "This was a mistake." I turned away and made for the door before I could see the betrayal on his face.

I made it to the door before he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me around to face him. "Edward, don't do this. You're going to hide yourself away again, and I won't let you."

I refused to look at him. "I have to."

"Why? Because you miss him? Because you were going to love him for the rest of your life and now he's gone? This is not the end of your life, Edward. It's just another part of it. Sure, it's not going how it was supposed to go, how you planned, but it doesn't mean you should just give up. You deserve to be happy." He relaxed his grip on my arm and slid his hand up so it rested on the curve of my shoulder. "I know you'll never be able to love anyone as much as you love him. I know I could never be good enough—"

"Shut the fuck up, Seth." I refused to meet his eyes, I wouldn't be able to leave if I looked at him, everything he felt showed in his eyes and I craved that love so much. "You don't know what you're talking about. You..." I choked on the words. "You're wonderful. You make me feel better, you make it so I can breathe. You tell me you love me but you can watch me fall in love with the man I will love till I die. The man I want, crave, need but can never have again because he's gone. Fuck, Seth. I can't do that to you. I want you, but I can't expect you to share me with him because I can't ever let him go and I don't want to. I'll ruin your life. You're just a kid, you deserve someone who can give you everything, not someone whose heart is buried in England." I tried to turn away, but he tightened his grip. I felt the computer taken from me, heard him set it down somewhere. I stared at the floor, at my shoes, at Seth's bare feet.

"Look at me, Edward."

I couldn't. If I looked at him, I'd never be able to leave and I had to leave.

He sighed. "You want me? I heard that? You want me."

I squeezed my eyes shut. "I have to go," I whispered.

"I'm not gonna let you go. My life will not be ruined by loving you. How could that be?"

I looked into his eyes then, and I knew it was a mistake. He was patience and love and understanding and I needed it all. "You don't understand. It shouldn't be possible. I feel like I'm going to explode, or be torn apart, because it shouldn't be possible to love two people like this. And can you deal with that? In ten years, when I still dream about him, when I still go every year and cry for him, when I still call his parents Mum and Dad, when I still listen to the phone messages he left for me because I don't want to forget what his voice sounded like..."

"Then I'll go with you to England, I'll listen to his voice with you if you'll let me. I want you to tell me about your dreams. He is part of you, and you wouldn't be who you are without him. I want to know him. Do you think I'll be jealous of him? Resent him because you loved him first? Because you still love him? I couldn't. How could I possibly not love him as well when he's part of you and I fucking love you, Edward. Love him, talk about him, remember him, keep him with you always, never forget anything, I don't want you to. Share him with me, if you're willing. It's what I want. So what if it's not normal, so what if it's not how things are 'supposed' to be. I don't care because I want to be with you. And I want it to be normal to talk about him everyday. To hear his name everyday, to see pictures of him. Dammit, Edward, say something."

"Share him with you? You wanna share me with him? Like some kind of fucked up posthumous threesome? You wanna know what I dream about? Do you really wanna know what I dreamt about last night?"

"Yes." His arms had slipped around my waist, and he pulled me close.

"Fuck, Seth. Almost every night I dream about being in bed with him, making love to him, fucking him. You know what? Last night you were there too, both of you were in my bed, and I was in him and you were in me and I woke up covered in come."

I gasped in horror at my admission. I couldn't look at him, and tried to pull away. I was so close to the door but I couldn't move because he had his arms around me and he was stronger than me. "Please, Seth," I begged. "Just let me go."

He dropped his head to my shoulder. "I can't. I'm afraid you won't come back."

I was mortified, terrified, disturbed, but he was so warm, and strong, and he was what held me together when all of me was falling apart. This should have been falling apart too, this fucked up new thing between us that I was trying and failing to protect him from. I wasn't strong enough.

I stopped fighting him, going limp in his arms. My head fell to his shoulder, my lips seeking the warmth of his throat, kissing him there as my tears wet his skin. My hands were on his chest where I'd been pushing him away, but now I clutched at him, balling the fabric of his t-shirt in my fists. I kissed up his throat, inhaling his scent, rubbing my lips against his face. "I need you, Seth," I murmured. "I can't do this anymore, I can't fight this. If you want me, I'm yours. But I'll always be his as well. Can you deal with that?"

"Yes, Edward. God yes. I love you." His lips crashed to mine, claiming me as his hands slid under my shirt, as if I'd given him permission to touch me.


	11. Chapter 11

It was obvious how inexperienced Seth was. He was running solely on instinct, but he wasn't clumsy or hurried; it was fresh, pure, need and desire. He'd pinned me against the kitchen counter and was slowly grinding himself against me.

"Do you wanna fuck me, Seth?"

"Oh god, Edward, yes," he groaned. "God. Do you... is that... is that what you want?"

"Yeah, Seth, I want you to fuck me. Do you have lube and condoms?"

"Mmmhmm," he nodded.

Dear god, he was prepared. More than I could say for myself. "Good," I mumbled. "Bedroom."

He dragged me by the hand to the master bedroom, but once there, seemed to hesitate. "Are you sure? We can—"

"I want this," I told him, pulling off his t-shirt and pushing him down onto his back on the bed. I crawled over him and started kissing and sucking my way down his chest. "I wanna feel you inside me," I whispered against his soft belly as I tugged at the buttons of his jeans.

~oOo~

 _I dragged Alec through the door by the wrist and kicked it closed before pushing him against it with my body. I glared at him. "How dare you do that to me when I'm trying to work?" I growled._

 _He giggled, slipping his hands onto my ass and pulling me closer as he ground his hips against mine. "Am I gonna get it?"_

 _"What do you expect when you tease me like that all night and I'm supposed to be working?" I kissed him, hard, tugging on his lips with my teeth, devouring him as he surrendered completely to me._

 _And then I pulled away and left him there, hard, gasping for air and with a disappointed look on his face. "Oh come on, love, don't be like that. I've got it coming to me, and you know it." He winked._

 _I couldn't help but smile. I leaned back against the kitchen counter. "You made me walk around at work with a hard-on all night, and now you want me to sort_ you _out? Not bloody likely. I think I'll just go take care of this myself." I pushed off from the_ _counter as if I was about to walk away._

 _He launched himself at me. "Don't you fucking dare!" His hands went straight for my belt. "I'll take care of you, love, don't you worry about that." He sank to his knees, looking up at me from beneath his eyelashes, a lascivious grin on his beautiful face._

 _"No more teasing, baby," I admonished, and obediently he took me into his hot, wet mouth. He knew exactly what I liked, what I needed, and in almost no time at all he had me coming._

 _I pulled him up to me afterward and nuzzled into his throat. "Love you, baby," I murmured._

 _"You always do after a good blow job, love. You're easy to please."_

 _"Uh uh. I always love you. Always will. You know that."_

 _He pushed me away and looked up into my eyes. "I know, love. Now take me to bed, yeah?"_

 _I took him by the hand this time and led him to our bedroom. I kissed him, gently this time, slowly, as I pushed the jacket off his shoulders. I took my time as I slipped each of the buttons on his shirt through the holes and then let my lips move slowly down his neck and over his chest, nipping lightly at one nipple, tugging on the ring that pierced the other, making him moan._

 _I pushed him back onto the bed so he was sitting on the edge and then I dropped to my knees. I unlaced his boots and slipped them off his feet and removed his socks. I climbed back up his body, placed a quick kiss on his lips and then unbuckled his belt._

 _He lifted his hips so I could slowly pull his pants down his legs. "Scoot up the bed," I told him when he was naked._

 _He lay back on the pillows, relaxed, his hands behind his head. His cock was fully erect and rested against his stomach. "Get your gear off, love," he breathed._

 _I shook my head. "Not just yet, Alec, it's my turn to tease you now."_

 _"Oh shite," he muttered as I crawled onto the bed over him, taking care not to brush against his cock. I pressed my lips to his, using my tongue to tease his lips apart. I kissed him slowly, until he was breathing hard and wanting more. I licked the sensitive spot below his ear, working my way down and placing firm bites on his throat. He gasped, and his hips bucked involuntarily, seeking friction._

 _I rolled away and he whimpered softly. Lying on my side I used my hands, trailing my fingers down his chest, playing with his nipples. Moving further down I scraped my short nails along the inside of his hip bones and smiled as he cried out and his hips rose off the bed. "Please, love," he begged._

 _I ran my hands down the soft flesh of the inside of his thighs. "I've barely started," I whispered in his ear before I climbed off the bed and began to remove my own clothing._

 _He watched intently, but didn't move. "On your hands and knees," I instructed with a grin._

 _He looked so good like that, his perfect ass in the air waiting for me. I climbed up behind him, my knees between his, my dick—hard again—nestled between his cheeks as I leaned over him, pressing my lips to his back in a soft kiss. I wrapped my arms around his waist and inhaled his scent. He smelt so good, like home._

 _This was how it was meant to be._

 _I moved gently against him, sighing with the perfect contentment I felt at being close to him, holding him in my arms._

 _He pushed back, impatient. "Please, love," he whispered._

 _A soft laugh escaped my lips and I pulled myself upright and rubbed the length of my cock against his ass. "You want me to fuck you, baby?"_

 _"Uh huh." He pushed back harder, rocking his hips against me._

 _"Hmmm." I stilled my movements. "I'm not going to." I pulled away, ignoring his frustrated groan of disappointment. "Roll over."_

 _He did so, and he had the most delicious pout on his lips that I couldn't resist kissing him as I reached into my top drawer. When he saw what I held in my hand, he lifted one eyebrow in question._

 _I smirked as I straddled his thighs. "I feel like a change. That okay with you, baby?"_

 _When he nodded enthusiastically, I couldn't help the moan of anticipation that rose up in my chest._

 _He was breathing hard as I positioned myself over his condom encased, lubed cock, and he gasped as I slowly pressed down on him, god, so slowly, taking him inside me. His hands rested on my hips, his fingers twitching, and I knew he was restraining his urge to hold me firmly and thrust upwards, or pull me down onto him._

 _I slid down onto him a bit at a time, pausing to adjust before I went further. When my ass met his hips, his fingers tightened on my flesh, gripping me hard. His eyes were wide and fevered, his lips slightly apart, and he watched my face. Our gaze had not strayed from one another since I took him inside me, and now his tongue slipped out to lick his lower lip, a smile curling the corner of his mouth._

 _I leaned forward to kiss him, and our lips met softly as I began to move, at first rocking my hips gently against him._

 _We both moaned into the other's mouth. We didn't need to speak, emotion flowed between us like water, connected as we were it was more than just a physical connection; with us it was something much, much deeper, an almost spiritual bond._

 _It had been like that for us always, since the first time our eyes had met._

 _It was like nothing I'd ever felt before, and I knew I never would again, but that didn't matter; we would be together always. Alec and I. We both knew it; there would never be anyone else for either of us. We were perfect, meant to be, soulmates._

 _Incredibly cheesy, yes, but we didn't care, especially when we were like this, moving together rhythmically, connected, complete in every way as we moved closer and closer, faster and faster towards our climax._

 _We came together, crying each other's name against our still connected lips, moaning as we shook together in long drawn out tremors; waves of release seemed to wash between us both, prolonging the ecstasy._

~oOo~

Seth was so beautiful when he slept. He looked so young, so peaceful. He seemed to smile, as if he was completely happy, sated, relaxed.

I envied him.

Sleep wouldn't come for me. Too many things played in my head, distracting me. Tormenting me. I thought I could do this, I thought it would mean something...

But it didn't mean anything. It was release, and that was all. Just a fuck.

To me, anyway.

I'd felt nothing. When he told me he loved me, and I saw the truth of it in his eyes, heard the truth of it in his voice, I felt nothing. He was making love, but I was getting fucked. And he hadn't even noticed.

It just meant that I was a good liar. Selfish, and I was using this beautiful, wonderful man just to hold myself together.

And that was wrong.

I should leave, walk away and never see him again. It would break his heart, but at least I wouldn't be taking advantage of him.

I would fall apart without him. But it was the right thing to do.

The wrong thing, the selfish thing, would be to allow him to love me, when I can never return that love. It had taken this, this emotionless fuck, to show me that I never could. I cared for him, I needed him, wanted him, desired him, could not breathe without him... But when he was inside me, when I was wrapped in his arms, his lips at my ear whispering to me, telling me how good I felt, how perfect I was, how in love with me he was... I felt nothing.

I didn't believe I was even capable of real emotion any longer. At least nothing save grief and loss and pain. I could smile, laugh, speak, but what of that was real? What was any of it apart from instinctual human function?

I could slip out now while he slept and be gone before he ever woke. His heart would break, but it would heal. Seth would get over me. He was young and he would fall in love again. He would find someone else, someone who would love him back, who was capable of it.

I rolled onto my back and tried to summon the strength I needed to walk away from him.


	12. Epilogue

The headstone was new. Under his name, and the dates of his birth and death, were the words:

 _Beloved son, brother, lover and friend._

 _Taken from us suddenly and tragically aged 22 years._

 _"I'll always be with you."_

The last time I'd stood in this spot, it had rained. Now the sun shone down cheerfully, and it seemed appropriate somehow. As I looked out over the park-like grounds, I thought of Alec falling on his butt in the grass; laughing, cursing, being himself. We watched that video a lot, Seth and I. I slipped my hand into the hand of the man who stood beside me, and leaned into his comforting presence.

Alec had been dead over a year now, and I hadn't been back to London since I'd cleaned out our flat. Seth and I were both on summer vacation. I'd promised Alec I'd come back every year, and this was the first. Seth wanted to come with me, and I wanted him here and it made sense. Even though they'd never met, Alec was a part of both of our lives. We talked about him everyday, and I felt sure that if he'd known him, Alec would have loved Seth as much as I did.

It seemed a strange sort of thing to other people sometimes, that I should have pictures in my apartment of Alec and I together right beside the ones of Seth and I. But it was normal for us. So far the third person in our relationship had not caused any problems. Only time would tell what the future would hold for us. I hoped that if any problems ever arose, we could deal with them.

I, for one, could never believe my luck. I'd managed to find not one, but two people who loved me completely, who were right for me, though in very different ways.

Alec's family loved Seth, and for that, I was thankful. Of course they'd known I had a new boyfriend, and they'd known that I was bringing him with me, but I think they had been surprised at how happy he had been to hear their stories about Alec, and especially the ones about he and I while we'd been together.

Seth, himself, was particularly affected by Jane. I'd teared up when I saw her again, I think her uncanny resemblance to her brother always would affect me in that way. But Seth seemed to be simply fascinated by her. He would touch her all the time; her skin, her hair, and just sit and watch her as she spoke or moved. "She's not like him, is she?" he'd asked me. They had looked so similar, but she was subdued and quiet where Alec was larger than life. Like two equal yet opposite halves of a whole.

He was unique, and would never ever be replaced, by any of those who loved him. His parents had lost their only son, Jane her brother, her balance, and I had lost my lover, the man I was supposed to grow old with. None of us would ever be the same again.

It was three years to the day that Alec and I had met. "Happy anniversary, love," I whispered. Seth squeezed my hand. By an ironic twist of fate, it was also exactly a year since I'd surrendered to my need to have him in my life.

He wasn't a replacement or a substitute. He was so different to Alec in every way. And it may have taken me a little time to accept it, but I loved Seth. I needed him, and now I was going to grow old with him.

However, if anyone had ever said 'it was meant to be', I could not have agreed with them. I would not be with Seth if Alec had not died. If I was offered the chance to go back, and change that one fateful night, I would change it in a heartbeat, just to have Alec live.

~oOo~

 _"Oh come on, love, just a couple of pints."_

 _I lifted one eyebrow at Alec and he grinned hopefully. I shook my head. "I've worked five nights this week, this is my first night off, I've only just come from the pub, I'm tired and I just want to sit here on my ass and read. You go. Have one for me, and if you come home at a decent hour I'll make it worth your while." I looked back down at my book._

 _"Yeah? Alright then, love, I'll be home early. You'd better be naked." He winked at me, but I pretended not to see it, hiding my smile behind my book._

 _He pressed play on the stereo, turning the volume up high and I rolled my eyes. "Trying to read here, baby," I reminded._

 _He poked out his tongue and then slipped his old jacket off his shoulders and slung it towards me to land on the back of the couch I was stretched out on. He pulled on a black fitted wool coat that ended just below his ass. Since I couldn't read, I had been enjoying the view, and I pouted. He saw it, and licked his lower lip suggestively. "You keep doing that, and I won't let you leave," I warned._

 _He walked over to the couch and took the book off me, placing it face down on the coffee table. Then he swung one leg over me and straddled my hips, rocking against me as he came down for a kiss._

 _When he pulled away, he slid his hand between us to rub against me through my jeans. "Save this for me, yeah?"_

 _"Only you, baby. I love you."_

 _"Love you too, Edward." He gazed down at me with so much love in his eyes that I couldn't help thinking, as I always did, how I ever got so lucky as to have met him. What were the chances of finding the one person who was meant for you in the whole world?_

 _I'd had to come half way across the planet to find the love of my life_

**Author's Note:**

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**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Déjà Vu](https://archiveofourown.org/works/173129) by [vampireisthenewblack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireisthenewblack/pseuds/vampireisthenewblack)




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